It’s here.
I’m not sure how it got here but, it has. So far I’ve woken up, got to kiss my niece, drive to Rhode Island, shop at marshalls and check into my room for the night. This is where I need to be. I feel it and I know it. This is where Court would want me to be.
Last night was hard. I have not cried myself to sleep or had to get myself out of a panic attack in a while. Luckily there were people on the end of the phone to help. Last night was rough but, I did dream about Court. Those are my favorite dreams especially the ones where I actually feel her presence. I can remember feeling her, kissing her, cuddling her. I remember asking her why. Why did she do this? Was it going to happen no matter what I did or how hard I tried? She told me yes. It was inevitable. That she was sorry that it happened when it did and that she was sorry she hurt me. But, she promised me she loved me an I did nothing wrong. That no matter the love, the support I couldn’t save her.
I guess that’s the acceptance I’ve had to learn the last year. I can look at every argument about an empty toilet paper roll, trash cans on the street, dirty dishes in the sink, a linked hose while I was trying to mow the lawn, finances... all those moments I must have pushed her further to this fate. But, those are normal arguments right? That’s normal and that’s real. I would never give up the 4 years I had with Court. Those years hurt but, they hurt because the were so beautiful and full of life, love and adventure.
365 days seems like a lifetime. It feels like it’s still June 2019 for me. I still talk about Court and say “the other day” or “a few weeks ago” and that is real to me. Not last May or last April. That’s insane.
Court pushed me. She supported me and was my rock. She kept me safe and she always had my back. She would pick me up if I fell and I would do all the same for her. I’ve had to learn to not be codependent. I’ve had to learn to care for myself, Love myself and support myself. It might sound easy but it’s not. I have a long way to go but I know my wife is still with me every step of the way. I would do anything to talk to her or hear her advise but, I know that’s not possible.
Court was such a beautiful person. I’ve found myself saying “how would court address this situation.” And try to live by her example because she was the most kind, loving, understanding and accepting person you‘d ever meet. I’ve needed her this past year. And, in a way she has guided me because of the love she gave me and the person she helped me become.
I can only hope she is happy, safe and at peace. I’m grateful to know she is with her grandma, her dad, my dad, aunt Kathy and her angel nephew. There is so much love for her both here on earth and beyond.
My love, this year has tested me and the relationships I have with friends and family. I have not done everything right, nor have I fully done anything wrong. I have done my best in uncharted waters and those waves will still come and will occasionally bring me down. But, I know they will get smaller over time and will come less and less frequently.
I have made it a year. You promised me I would get through this but now, I promise you. I promise to live fully. To learn to love and accept myself and to treat myself with kindness. To carry your light with me and to not let mine go. To speak your name and to honor you the best way I know how, with love, laughter, light and adventure.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts. My beautiful, strong, courageous, vivacious wife. I. Love. You.
More, Most, More than most and even more than that.
-C
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