It was June 2nd, 2019.
A weekend... that meant my brother, sister-in-law- Bre and my then 4 month old niece were staying at my house because it was closer to the hospice center Bre's Mom was in.
Since that year, June 1st hits and I feel a ton of bricks on my chest.
Happy PRIDE posts and texts come across my phone. Pictures of my niece and dinner dates with my wife flood my Facebook memories. Those memories- seeing my niece at 4 months, those memories, seeing my back deck, it's anxiety city.
In 8 days it will be 2 years. 721 days ago, I didn't think this would be my life on June 2, 2021. NEVER did I think this is where I would be.
I've come a long way. But, I'm still sad, angry, depressed. I still cry in the car- I still have dreams where Court "comes back" and then her life ends the same way it did. I still ask why and relive memories and moments wondering if there was something more I could have done. I still blame myself for the signs that are NOW signs I didn't see. I still love my wife. I still call her that- one day she will be my "first wife" but, she wasn't the first because we got divorced or fell out of love. I'm grateful to have had her and to carry pieces of her with me in the lessons she taught me and person she was.
I think my biggest struggle is being a "suicide loss survivor". Number one I still HATE the word "strong, or survivor" No- I didn't survive cancer or learn to walk again after an accident. I kept going even on days I didn't want to. Suicide is the worst type of death in my opinion (not that death in any manner is ok ESPECALLY when it is premature) But, suicide leaves so many questions. I feel like the grieving process- the anger, the guilt are just SO INTENSE- especially when it is a spouse, I mean, I LIVED with Court for just over 4 years... I saw her every day, we were living our life the way we always did. I thought we were so happy. We had just got married, we bought a house, we got a dog, I was going to look to switch careers so we could try and start a family... I didn't know...
I'm in a relationship now. A GOOD relationship, one where I feel myself, happy, safe, loved. It's amazing to feel that way. It's also hard, especially around those dates. Suicide has made most aspects of my life complicated- especially love. It has given me anxiety and triggers. It has made me scared of love and has made me feel like I am too much. It makes me overthink things. I'm sure it makes me harder to love at times. I'm sure it's difficult to understand what I'm feeling- it's hard to verbalize at times and it's hard for me to completely understand what my partner is feeling. But, it is what it is. I am grateful for joy, love, peace and happiness. I'm glad I found them in myself and with someone.
I have my dates and days. I still have love for Court. I still miss her. I hate that my life has become so complicated because I am a statistic. On average there are 130 deaths by suicide per day. 50.39% of them are with a firearm. How shitty are those numbers? And in those 130 deaths, how many were married, had children, families, friends who loved them, people who looked up to them... I think it would be safe to say each one of them had those things... and there it is... if love could save them, they would still be here.
This month is PRIDE. It is Courts death anniversary, Karen's death anniversary and also my dads. It is a month filled with love, loss, sadness and still some anger. Since her death, I have walked in honor of Court at AFSPs out of the darkness community walk in Hartford. I may not do it every year as I said I would in "the beginning" but, I will still do what I can in honor of Court.
In her memory and the memory of other lives lost to suicide- especially those lives lost in the LGBTQ+ community, live every day with love, light, kindness and joy. Consider donating to AFSP, The Trevor Project, or any organization that speaks to YOU.
Keep living, keep fighting, keep fucking going.
With so much love, in honor of my Wife
Courtney A. Reis 11.11.1988- 06.10.2019
More. Most. More than most and even more than that.
-C