I started writing in my notebook but quickly realized my fingers type faster and can keep up with my thoughts better than my handwriting- hand written letters are a dying art for me.
So, I'll leave it here.
It's bene a while since I wrote to you. I didn't even write you a letter to put in your stocking this year. I am going with the motto "it's ok to do nothing" So, I've done whatever I want whenever I want to celebrate and be with you.
I got a new job in development at a non-profit you would love. You'd be so proud of me (is it bad I wish I kept all your "work shirts" so I could wear them now? I like wearing your clothes... well, some of them. It beats having to go buy new ones and I like having you with me.) It's crazy how in a year and almost 8 months things have come "full circle". This is a job I would have loved and been applying for before you left, knowing with my lack of work experience I wouldn't get. This past year has given me the experience I needed to be their top candidate. Though, I also can't help thinking if I had gotten a job like this a year and NINE months ago if things would be different... I would be home earlier at night, we would leave for work around the same time... There's a lot I think about, all the "what if's" and life scenarios I go through still on a daily basis but- it wouldn't matter would it?
I had a dream about you the other night, one of those dreams where I felt you, like I was physically feeling your skin, your hug. I miss those hugs, I miss coming home to those hugs and saying "wait, wait, crack my back!". I love those dreams but, then I wake up and realize it's only a dream. I still feel like this life I have come to know is still a dream. I'll sit telling myself "OK, any day now something will happen, I will have the chance to go back and change something and this will never happen. You and I will still be living in our house. Baby Jax will have his yard back, he will have his mamz and I will have his mom, I will have my wife and a crazy understanding of the things YOU already had an understanding for. But, that's not how life works... I wish it did, Hallmark movies sure did put the possibility in my head but, it's just not possible to get you back.
I saw a BuzzFeed article the other day, Anne Hathaway's husband looks EXACTLY like William Shakespeare, Shakespeare had a wife named Anne Hathaway... Shakespeare apparently said something about their love being so deep that he would get to love her in another life... fast-forward to today and we have a Shakespeare doppelganger married to Anne Hathaway... I hope I get to love you in another life the way I got to physically love you in this one... If that can happen IN THIS LIFETIME, that would be great.
I miss you. I miss you so much that it can be debilitating at times. I tried to start dating, that didn't work out well because, I still love you so much. I've found that moments of joy and happiness are met with moments of deep sadness. I don't think the term or feeling of joy or happy will ever be the same.
It scares me. Though, I guess scared isn't the right term... I'm young, I still want a family, I want a partner, a companion, I want to love again but, what if you were it? What if those 4 1/2 years together are all I get with love? True love, amazing no limits, holy crap this is amazing, love. I feel like I will be settling the rest of my life because no one is you. But, then again I guess that's what makes you so beautiful. Sometimes I'm ok with the idea that you were it. Because, we had it. I felt it every day. You completely flipped my world upside down and those memories and moments we had, even though they were brief- I am ok with that being "it" sometimes. I'm getting back on my feet slowly but surely, it's not easy and I know you feel me cursing your name some days. But, what if I decide to become a single mom? What if I get to carry you on this journey with me every day and keep loving you this way every day? Is there truly room for someone else because, you take up my heart. The holes, the cracks, the fullness. I feel like I sound crazy... I was your forever, I promised you you'd be mine. Maybe that forever is supposed to change for me. Maybe you're forever my first love, forever the love that turned my world upside down. How do I learn to allow myself to be open again, to even try and let someone else in? That to me is terrifying. This can never happen to me again.
All I know at this moment, at this stage, I need to be "alone". I need to become self sufficient. I am the only one who can take care of me, love me, make me whole. No one else can do that. So, if you can really hear me and see me, just follow a few steps behind or maybe in front of me... I can only hope for more big changes and steps moving forward but, I still need you.
I love you more, most, more than most and even more than that.
-C