Hi. hi, baby
hi.
hi.
I just looked at my favorite photo of you and those were the words that came out of my mouth as tears fell. I kept saying hi. Hi. Like it’s the first time we’re meeting. Like my heart knew something I didn’t. Like I was looking at someone who made my heart beat and my world spin but, I wasn’t sure why. hi. Hi. You take my breathe away. I should be mad? I should see your face, your eyes, your dimples, your light our love and be angry but, no It’s just a timI’d hi under my breath.
It makes me think of our first exchange, YOU were the one to say hi to me. You messaged me and said we should talk because we matched on multiple dating sites and we seemed to have a lot in common. “So, hi” Hi.
I‘d love to say hi to you. For you to be a physical being for me to say hi to. It makes me angry. The fact that I want to say hi. The fact that there will be no response. It’s the ultimate loss. The ultimate eff you. Hi. No response. Hi! No response...hi baby! Silence. There’s nothing there but memories and pain.
So many people have been “commenting” on how happy I look. But, am I truly happy? It’s actually a question that came up in therapy a few weeks ago. “Chelsea, are your happy?” To which my response was, well sure. I’m happy. I’m happy when I FaceTime my niece, when I do well at my job, when I laugh and have genuine moments of happiness, when I allow myself to love, when I ALLOW myself to be happy... I’m happy. I have moments of happiness. But, am I fulfilled? No. I’m not. That was my response. Sure I’m happy at times but, I’m not fulfilled. The majority of me is broken so why does a smile or laugh mean happiness? A smile can be so fake. Just like the smile looking back at me in my favorite picture of Court that was taken 3 months before she took her life. Was that happiness smiling back? Was that smile real? Was it fulfilled or just a smile hidden behind fake happiness with no fulfillment? Hi. It’s basic. General. Not something you necessarily say to the person you love, you long for, you dream of coming back to you.
Hi. It‘s 2021. This year, I will be working REALLY working towards what FULFILLS me and I urge you to do the same. It doesn’t need to be weight loss or giving up chocolate. That’s superficial.
Do you and find what fulfills you, what makes you happy. Search for it. Find it. And run with it. I wish you love, strength and peace in the new year. Cheers to saying ”hi” to yourself and diving deeper into you. -C