I woke up early this morning, looked at the clock and went back to sleep. I couldn’t tell if I was physically crying or if it was just my dreams. I found myself saying, “I’d rather cry in my sleep.” So I went back to bed. Woke up again and repeated the process. I finally pulled myself out of bed around 10:30/11. Immediately put on a pot of water and started making your corned beef and cabbage. I wrote an ENTIRE grant for work. I cleaned out my room, did two loads of laundry, decorated a little bit of my room for Christmas (because that’s what bring me joy), emptied all the garbages and now it’s 1pm... that didn’t last long. I need more things to do. I’m sitting here now... as soon as I stop moving and sit my body changes, my mind goes and my eyes start to swell. Why is this hard? It’s just another day but, it’s your day. It’s a day that I’d wake up excited to sing you happy birthday and shower you with love and gifts. Instead, I cleaned out my closet and threw away more of my life with you. I bought something new Christmas decorations because I don’t think I’ll ever put up ours... I threw away socks, T-shirt’s and other personal items. 2 birthdays without you.
32 would have been amazing. If everything went according to plan we would have a child. He/she would be a few months old and it would be your first birthday as a mom. My thoughts are fleeting and I really can’t think about it for more than a few minutes before needing to assign myself a new task. I love you, miss you and I hope you’re enjoying your day in the sky. 💕
More. Most. More than most and even more than that. Happy Birthday, My Love
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