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Writer's pictureC. Reis

4:17am

"Write a catchy title" That is the first thing I am prompted to do when I open up the Wix app and get ready to write. My catchy title today, the time. I've been wide awake fora a few hours. Nothing super new there. My mind doesn't turn off. I don't know if the inconsistent pattern of the raindrops on my window has anything to do with my inability to sleep but, it is certainly not helping.

I like order. I like things that make sense. Laying here listening to the raindrops falling on my window, I have started thinking about how the rain is like my life. Maybe I'm overtired, maybe quarantine is getting to me (I did accidentally shove puzzle pieces in my mouth the other day instead of Doritos) but, here we are contemplating the relevance between rain droplets and my life.

The unexpected patter, the silence before another drop, waiting for the next noise, the next disturbance of sound to come along and make its mark. The droplets hit fast at times, other times they're slow. Little balls of water just waiting to break apart and splatter. Now, does that make sense? My life, all of our lives can be a series of balls or raindrops we're trying to juggle. Sometimes those raindrops or "balls" come crashing down fast. Other times there is a lull between the time one drops and another makes it to the ground. A lifespan of ups and downs in one rainstorm.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over.

But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Haruki Murakami

You can't completely predict the effects of a storm. If you listen to a forecast, you can prepare for a storm's intensity. But there are some storms that are unpredictable. You don't know they're coming and you didn't have time to prepare. There are even storms that come while its sunny. Those sun showers are reflective of joy and love but, there are times when tears come with joy. Little sun showers of love and grief.

Am I making any sense? Like I said, quarantine and insomnia... I'll keep going for my own pleasure.

There are two things I know to be true about storms. There are some that are unpredictable (hey, what up life) and there is beauty that can come from them. Flowers grow, rivers run, a rainbow may even appear. Beauty can be found. Love and life can be restored. But, the damage during that storm can remain. Limbs of trees can be broken from the wind, lighting could strike and leave a mark, foundations can crumble, flooding can leave a lasting imprint on your walls...

I remember after Hurricane Katrina. I was living in NYC and the Seaport was completely flooded. Months after the storm, bars and restaurants began to open. One bar had a paint line running all around the interior. It was a line that marked how high the water rose. A line that was at least 4 feet off the ground. Even though this space was flooded and "ruined" months before, it's doors opened again. This time, patrons could see the battle scars left behind from the storm. They're able to see the resiliency the building had. (This is true for grief too- we like being told we're "doing a good job", I personally don't like the word strong but, we're working on it.) That storm did not make this building weak, it did not make the owner crumble or go out of business- It made them stronger and smarter.

Every time I am alone at my house packing and loading my car, I say to myself "This is not weakens, this is strength." Though in those moments I am mad, angry or sad, I do it. I keep going. This storm isn't over. I know we have multiple storms through our lives. Some of those storms leave a lasting effect on us. They leave you with bruises, scars and wounds that may never completely heal but, you get up and prepare yourself for the next gust of wind or surge of rain. You know it's coming- it's only a matter of time. The trick is to not let the anticipation of the storms control you.

"I'm just waiting for the next ball to drop." I said this at my last therapy session. And I am. I'm waiting, anticipating another heavy, gut wrenching blow. I don't know where it will be or when but, it's inevitable. My reality is that this storm will never truly end. In fact this one will continue while others come along. This storm is now a part of me. I'm ok with that because, I have had such beauty in my life. I have had a once in a lifetime love, I have had laughter, arguments, smiles, tears, joy, safety and beauty. I have now experienced some of the lowest lows of my life that the highs have a new meaning and feeling of greatness. The storm has changed me. The storm will continue to change me. I'm by no means grateful for the storm but, I'm grateful for the things I had before it and the things I got to experience. This storm will never take that away from me.


Take-aways:

Allow the drops of rain to come and do not be thrown off by the time and spacing in between them.

Try not to anticipate.

Hold onto the strength your storm gives you. The strongest gusts of wind only make you stronger for still standing.

There is beauty that can come from a storm. It may not be physical, look inside for the beauty.

You will never forget the storm.

The storm becomes a part of you.

You will continue to stand and fight.


It's now 5:14am... I need to get some sleep!

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