So, fun things happen in life. Sometimes you move on to new therapists at the recommendation of your old... and I’m kind of glad I did. The last year has been a blur. I’ve learned so many things but haven’t necessarily applied them all (not that I haven’t grown, it’s just hard to grab your tool box when you feel like you’re sinking)
Today I sat with my new therapist and worked on some breathing exercises to ground myself and get ready to start EMDR therapy. Some DBT work...
Breathing. It’s easy. It’s normal. It’s how we survive.
Inhale for 4 counts
Hold for 4
Exhale for 4
Hold for 4
repeat... for five minutes.
Truly, I have always felt a difference when I just remember to breathe. Weird, just breathe. That’s what I’ve been told since day one but, in grief I forget. Literally I’ll hold my breath for periods of time while talking about or recalling memories and I’d have to be told to BREATHE. After our exercise she asked how I felt. Per usual, I paused and questioned if my body did what it needed to and if how I was feeling was right. (I judge myself all the time for my actions, feelings, everything really) and I finally said well, grief is like the ocean, right? While I was breathing and you were asking me to let whatever came to mind to float away on a leaf in the wind, I became centered. Just like waves; there are peaks and lows with grief. That is what I’m trying to let go of. That’s what is on my leaves. When I hold my breath at the bottom after I let out my air, I can only count to four and not fixate on what was because I know in 4 seconds there will be a new burst of oxygen going into my lungs. When I hold at the top, I‘m breathing in something new. I hold it for a moment and then I know I need to exhale, i need to let the pain/uncertainty go. But, with each new breath, I become more and more centered and grounded. Each breath isn’t the same as it was before. Each breath has a purpose... breathe in the pain and longing and then exhale it. Repeat until you’re centered or until you get yourself to a place where you can remind yourself you can’t control it. Let it go with the next breath and breathe in the possibilities.
Hopefully that can make sense to you? Again judgement 101, though she seemed pleased with my response (and took note) I still questioned myself. I kept breathing and I repeated the exercise a few hours later on my own. I felt centered and at peace. Sitting on the lake, breathing in the fresh air. Feeling my lungs go in and out after padding out to “my spot” I felt freedom. I saw a dragonfly and I inhaled its love. i was grounded. I was centered.
So, keep breathing. Keep fighting through the holds, the highs and lows and soon there will be a reprieve of either letting go of the old, or allowing the new to enter. Take in the new. Let it resonate and let it revitalize your soul. -C
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