I'm 4 days out from 10 months. Double digits. I remember being so excited to turn 10 when I was a kid. It felt so cool. Thinking of a baby and how they develop, so much changes in 10 months. With grief, 10 months is the same thing. No, it's not "exciting or cool" it is the marker of a journey. 10 months is nothing in the grand scheme of life. It's literally a moment, a blink of an eye.
I'm OK? Almost 10 months later and that's all I can say. I've been numb for about 2 weeks now. I had some moments at my house and allowed myself to feel it for a millisecond when I got the text saying we were all set and the closing on our house was complete. I was OK because i'm stuffing? Why am I stuffing. I know it does nothing but push the pain deep down. I know that one day that box will fly open and the possibility of catching the springs, bolts, nuts and tape that I tried so desperately to hold that box together with is impossible.
But, tell me this. Why is stuffing so wrong? When you get a wound (take my 25 staple "shark bite" for example...) If I had popped those staples out before the wound was healed, it would have been hard to catch the blood and close the wound myself. BUT, once the wound was healed and those staples came out- Poof- all fixed. Grief is a wound right? It's an ache. It's a pain. It leaves a scar. So why cant I throw some staples on it and when the time is right (no, I don't know when that time is) But, when the time is right, take off the ace bandage, the tape and the staples. It would be all fixed! Right?
What a beautiful world it would be if that were possible. I think I'm testing that theory.
I stuff so deeply that it is hard for me to tap into that box. I don't know how to do it besides cause more pain for myself. I'm thinking about watching shows where suicide is prominent. I need to be exposed to it to feel it. Why is that how I need to do this?
I've stuffed my whole life. I tell myself how horrible I am and beat myself down so that other people don't do it to me. We're out own worst critics, right? Why do I feel the need to traumatize myself with things to attempt to feel. So, theory of the week is if I staple and tape and screw and bolt that box so much, after a certain period of time it will be healed. I mean, I think that's better than torturing myself right?
"Grief gets softer with time." I've heard this so many times over the last (almost) 10 months. So why not put it away and in time, it will soften and become more bearable.
That's literally all I have... I usually can't shut up but I've become more silent lately. I don't have any insane "warrior" advise. I don't feel like i'm strong. I feel like I'm giving up and giving into grief and I don't know how to pull myself out of it.
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