Again no title for this.
There are no words nor a "catchy phrase" to type in the box above.
How about the word "Nightmare".
There is SO much going on in my family right now. Some of that I will keep private, some I will talk about. But before I begin, please take a minute to pause, take a breath, thank whom ever you believe in for your health, your family and loved ones and send wishes of health, wellness and strength to my family...
Ten months and 2 days after the death of my wife, my family got hit with another devastating blow. My Aunt, Kathy passed away due to Covid-19 this past Sunday. Yes, I just typed that and I've had to say it over and over again to people and it's not real. It's another joke that the universe is playing.
My Aunt Kathy was the most beautiful soul. She wasn't just my aunt, she was my mom. Aunt Kathy and Rose treated my brother and I like we were theirs. This loss is hard for me but, as devastating as this loss is for me; I unfortunately know what it is for Rose.
Since I got a frantic call to get to my aunts house ASAP on Sunday, I have been with Rose, walking her through different processes and trying to support her. Giving her space and time, making her eat, asking if shes taken any necessary medication, cleaning, cooking, making lists, making phone calls, yelling at my aunts PCP on her behalf and telling people she needs some time and is getting all the calls and texts and will respond when she can because, my aunt is distraught and just can't do it all. A feeling I'm all too familiar with.
I don't want this to sound bad but, seeing her and knowing where she is at has helped me validate what I experienced in the first few weeks and months of my loss WAS right. It WAS normal. And I'm trying my best to assure her the fog, fear and uncertainty are NORMAL. I'm probably going to piss some people off with this one but frankly, I don't care anymore. Death and loss change people. I have lost some of the most amazingly beautiful, selfless people in the world. My dad, Keith; My wife, Courtney; My sister in laws mom, Karen and now my Aunt Kathy. All kind, loving, giving, compassionate and hard working. They were those people who will work themselves to the bone for their family, taking a backseat for themselves. Giving and maybe not receiving as much as they put out into the universe. These people change lives. These people are gifts. They're so precious. And, I hate that another ball has dropped and shattered in my life. But, I hate the size of the ball that just dropped in my aunts.
I am aware of things now. Unfortunately/fortunately I can understand what my Aunt Rose is feeling. Every love, grief and loss is different but, the fog, pain, anxiety, fear, guilt, shame and feelings of hopelessness are familiar. Her world just crashed. It smashed into a million pieces in the matter or moments. This was her wife. This was her LIFE. Everything she has known for 28 years. HER world has ENDED in her mind. I get that. I am grieving too, like I said, I lost basically my mom. But, my entire world and life has not been uprooted. I don't have to worry about the dogs, or finances or the house, cars, probate etc. I have lost something HUGE but, I can understand that Rose's life has changed forever in a different way.
I think that's the "beauty" I've been able to find in all of this. That I understand. We're in a quarantine for 2 weeks due to my aunts results. It's just Rose and I and thank god I am with her. This quarantine brings grieving to a whole new level. A process that already makes you feel alone in a crowded room is now telling people they ARE alone and essentially diseased because of this virus. People would normally be stopping by, sending things. We would have had a wake and funeral service this week. Those things are not happening right now. It's wrong, it's odd and it's incredibly lonely and depressing.
I know that certain words are triggers. I know that you feel like a broken record and want to crawl out of your own skin when answering questions and listening to people tell you what they think is best for you. I understand when Rose looks at me, her niece 1/2 her age and asks my opinion about something and I reply "whatever you want or whatever you need", I understand that response doesn't help her but that it's coming from love. I get it and I'm grateful I can help because I've been there.
Now, onto my "unpopular" semi confrontational thought that will be sure to put me on someones shit list. Again, I don't care.
When I lost my wife, my world ended. MY world. I understand Court had family, she has brothers, her mom, cousins, aunts, uncles etc and those lives have been changed forever BUT they didn't have the end of the world loss that I experienced. I have not lost a sibling, I have not lost a child or a cousin, even a best friend to death so I can not say I understand those grief journeys but, I have lost a spouse. I got a lot of backlash because of my feelings of hopelessness and feeling like my life was over. And it was, it sure felt like it anyway. I was told that I was selfish in my grief and that I was too much. That I made people feel like I'm the only person who lost someone. And yes, I couldn't look past myself especially in the first few months. If that is selfish, I'm actually not sorry because I was only able to think about myself at that time and I was doing what I needed to do for me. Much like when Court passed, I know certain peoples lives will go back to normal while my aunts life will still feel like it's at a standstill. I will go back to work, to my brothers house, I will go visit my friends and (solemnly) celebrate a birthday. Those are all things that will make Rose feel alone. Because, her life and world will still be stopped while others are moving. I understand life moves on and it needs to. But, for the spouse who just lost their partner, best friend, support system and safety, their world ended and it won't start spinning again for a while. I understand that and I am "grateful" for that knowledge and understanding.
I guess my unpopular opinion is that it's NOT OK to judge someone, criticize or alienate someone because of their grief and loss and how they reacted to it. It's not OK to completely shut them off and stop all communication because their world ended and you can't understand that because you haven't been there yourself. Yes, you've had loss and again there are losses I have not experienced but, I am also not the same person who cut it off. I am glad that those people do not know that pain. I hope they never do. It is inevitable, people pass on and one person's life will feel like it's shattered, they will feel lost, scared and unsure. I just find it unfortunate that it takes loss that is so great to be able to understand or empathize. I wish for myself that I didn't understand.
When that happens to you, I will understand and I will not judge how you react and respond to your loss. I will know that certain words are triggers. I will know that you can't turn your brain off. I will know how infuriating it is to hear people ask "what do you need?" or say "one day at a time" because you can't do one day and you know what you need is something no one can ever give you. I will understand that there is trauma and PTSD from the last moments you shared with your loved one. I understand there will be certain conversations you can not have or feel overwhelmed by questions and the why's and other peoples grief too- and I know that sucks and you feel bad you can't be that person for them anymore. People are grieving your loved one and are emotional but it's too much for you right now. I get it. I understand there will be guilt and shame that has no place in your grief. I get when you say you don't want to be a burden. I will understand you will need answers and control and you will not get that. I will understand some of that process for you and try my best to be there the way I wanted someone there for me. I will hold your hand and rub your back and say I know nothing I say is going to make it better. I know you don't know what you need and that's all people are asking and it's frustrating. Just know I am here and I love you and I promise, you're doing everything right.
Please stay home. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
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