The date keeps approaching and I'm not sure what to do. Soon the memories wont be last year, soon it will be two years ago on this day or 3, 4 and 5. How?
How does a year pass so quickly? How did time not stop on June 10th? I still can't believe it. I'm so mad at Court lately and I hate that I am and get upset with myself about it even more. The last few therapy sessions, I've talked about what I would do on that day... and what DO I do? "Do something that cheers you up, is it a bath, a walk on the beach?" I don't know. That really is my favorite phrase these last 11 months.
That day, I don't know how i'll feel. I know reality is becoming more and more apparent. I know that the shock I felt the first few months has turned into reality but its just still NOT real. Will June 10, 2020 make it real? I never went 24 hours without talking to my wife. It will soon be 8,760 hours since I last talked to her. Just 7 hours before I got home from work that night.
What will you do that day?
What do you do to cheer yourself up when your sad? I don't know.
What would Court do?
Court would leave me a note, write a card, leave funny memes around the house, surprise me with peonies, order sushi, prep coffee for me before she went to work, she'd kiss me, hold me, tell me I'm amazing... small simple acts of love and kindness. Maybe I print out my own memes. Maybe I hold onto the ones she gave me... I have them in a box with all of her cards, love letters and post-it notes through the years. The thing I know I want most I will never get. Just for a moment I wish I could have her embrace. Her hugs were the best. I want to be able to say babe, I'm so stressed my back is killing me, can you crack it? And she would put out her arms and squeeze me SO TIGHT. I loved that.
Every "anniversary" I've had up to this point I have had something big planned. Trash the dress photo shoot, tattoo, trip to our pond and favorite lunch spot, spreading her ashes, smashing our wedding cake, writing a note to her in her Christmas stocking, setting off lanterns. I don't want to do any of that on that day... It's not a day I was to "celebrate" it's a day I want to mourn but, feel love.I want to feel emptiness and full at the same time?I want to be angry yet grateful? Everything I assume I will feel has a conflicting emotion.
I am scared, SO scared of what I will feel that day because, it hurts. Grief hurts every part of your body. My neck and back have been so stiff because of my stress, my brain hurts, my joints, my chest has been so tight lately I question if I'm having a heart attack, literally MY HEART HURTS. If that's what I'm experiencing now, I don't want to know the pain on that day. The pain that comes with reality and another marker to tell me I'll never see my wife again.
I'm not doing OK, lets be real. I know "I've come far" and I was told today how amazing I was doing but, I don't feel like I am. I'm just trying to survive. I'm trying to figure out my purpose, I'm trying to find understanding and acceptance, I'm learning about me, what makes ME happy and how I can EVER experience love again. Love... grief is just love with nowhere to go, so maybe my life IS full of love?
On June 10th I don't know how I will feel. Terrible? OK? Completely shattered? Will I have moments of joy? If I do will I be upset with myself for that? There is no end to grief, there is not right way to grieve. Trying to be perfect and do "this" perfectly is making me go insane. But, I can't help it. That's who I am and that's what Court deserves. But... what do I deserve? I know what I deserve... but, letting go of the fact that I had all of those things is insanely hard. Rebuilding my life is insanely hard. Rewiring my brain, trying to stay away from negative core emotions and the way I perceive happiness... that is HARD.
Doing me... that's what I need to do but, what does that mean? I'm not completely sure. It might mean going out on the lake kayaking, or taking a bubble bath, or going for a drive and listening to music. It means learning who I am and what makes me tick. So, I guess June 10th will just be another day I need to really be present with me. Do what makes me me, what I need, not what is expected maybe not even doing what I expect of myself. It is another day, but it's unfortunately the worst day of my life.
"Say what you think and love who you love, cause you've just got so many trips round the sun. Yeah, you only live once" Ain't that true. This trip around the sun has tested me but, I can only come out stronger, right?
Comments