Just another day really... It's Tuesday... it's still winter... it's rainy... it's blah outside which in return makes me feel blah inside. Just another day. 8 months and 8 days later day.
As I have been saying in my recent posts, things still feel shitty. Time is passing, seasons are changing, sunsets are starting before 8pm and my phone is constantly dinging with notifications that there is a showing request at my house. 11 showing requests in 2 1/2 days... That should feel good, there is a lot of action and a lot of attention the house is getting but it's just one more thing that is shitty. It's one more piece of my life, our life that I am losing. It sucks that I knew 8 months and 8 days ago I would need to sell my house. It sucks that it has been something on my mind daily since June 10th. It sucked when I talked to my realtor 5 months ago, it sucked when I called her to say I was ready, it sucked when I started cleaning it out and staging it for pictures... It sucks that it will probably sell soon.
There is a checklist of things to do when a loved one dies. It's different for each death. Obviously, I was not THIS involved in the "after affairs" when my Grandpa or Dad passed away. But, i'm 100% involved with my wife's affairs. The checklist started the day I found her. The check list started with a 911 call then continued something like this: And yes, I will list it all out. It's not LITERALLY a check list but, it was my mental check list... Go ahead and stop reading if you'd like or skip to the end...
June 10, 2019- Present To Do List:
Call 911
Call brother
Call family
Talk to police
Pace up and down driveway
Scratch head in disbelief
Scream
Cry
Go back to brother's house
Not sleep
Not eat
Print pictures/picture frames
Answer calls
Stop answering calls and texts
Meeting with funeral home
Decide on calling hours
Write obituary
Pick out casket
Pick out cremation keepsakes
(This is all 3 days POST loss)
Book a luncheon venue
Sign papers
Loose ability to speak/think clearly
Buy dress to wear to funeral
Sign up for memorial funds
Go home to get clothes
Go home to pick out clothes for Court to wear
Attend funeral, sit in first chair saying "what the fuck is going on" over and over in MY head while everyone is coming up to ME asking me Why? Well, shit Cheryl, if I knew we probably wouldn't be here, right?
Attend luncheon
Get wasted
Cheers my wife with her drink of choice
Punch Tree
Soccer kick flower pots
Cry
Make brother buy cigarettes (continue smoking cigarettes for 8 months 4 days)
(we're still only 4 days out)
Cry
Feel numb
Drink
Bulimia starts NOW
Cry
Go back to house for more clothes
Anxiety Attack
Read "memory" messages from funeral
Thank people
Call mortgage company
Call cellphone company to turn off Court's cellphone
Call credit card companies
Hire a probate lawyer
Go to my financial adviser
Go to my accountant
Pick up her things from the police station
Pick up my wife's jewelry from funeral home
Go back to work for 2-3 hours 2 days a week
Drink
Smoke
Vape
Pick up my wife's ashes
Go to probate lawyer
Write blurb for Court's SAVE memorial page
Sign more paperwork
Bring my pearls Court bought me to be strung
Have her and my wedding bands re-sized (weight loss, remember)
Deal with insurance companies
Call to cancel Court's Cellphone for the 2nd time
Look for the 3rd notebook I lost
Drink
Start therapy
Smoke
Pick up wedding bands and pearls
Anxiety attack from 4th of July Fireworks
Be brought to the hospital for mental evaluation...
Drink
Go to inpatient intakes
Book a one way ticket to Tennessee
Go to a recovery center for 35 days
Be "Diagnosed" with GRIEF among other things
Learn about emotions
Quit/nicely get fired? from job
Get discharged
Fight with mortgage company
Deal with probate paperwork
Attend Out the the Darkness AFSP event
Celebrate 1st Wedding Anniversary
Open and IRA
Set up an estate bank account
Buy a car
Sell Court's car
Get money back from extended warranty for Court's car
Celebrate Court's Birthday
Call to cancel Court's Cellphone for a THIRD time
Start cleaning out my house
OK. I'm gonna stop there because I'm getting nauseous (and yes, I know that list is obnoxious). That list isn't even 1/2 of it. THAT list is only until NOVEMBER and there were obviously a million other things going on. November. 4 months. I think of all the things I have had to do. I have had to do all of these things because of a choice made by someone else and it infuriates me. (Yes, some of the things WERE my choice and bad coping mechanism's but, get off your high horse, Nancy... there's no "how to deal with this for dummies") Again, it's not your normal list, but it's my mental list. It's my "this is reality" list. I look at it and I'm exhausted and I AM EXHAUSTED. My body hurts, my head, heart and muscles hurt. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. There are days all I want to do is drink the pain away. There are days I don't want to do any of this. And no wonder why. Who would ever want to go through life feeling like this?
... This isn't where I was going to go with this post but, I'm going to take a quick breath with that list in mind and say to myself
"Chelsea, you did it. You're doing it. You're going to keep doing it. You're surviving. It's OK that you've made mistakes. It's OK that people are and have judged you for the way you are handling this but, you amazing, strong, passionate, loving Chelsea. YOU are doing it."
**If ya'll can pass those words to me as well, that would be great because it's still going to take me a while to believe all that is true.**
I'm trying. I am. I am here every day. I am showing up. I am making the hard decisions. I am learning. I am asking for help. I am reaching out. I WILL learn to love myself. I WILL learn that this does not define me. I am not suicide. I am a suicide loss SURVIVOR. I WILL grow. I WILL continue to "do the work." I WILL continue to be strong. I WILL continue to save MYSELF. I will continue to keep Court in my heart. I will continue to fight for her but try and remember the difference between my anger and hers. I will give grace and time. I will overcome this. I will continue to be a survivor because, I choose to live. I choose life.
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