30th

So... today is my 30th Birthday. A day I have looked forward to since I met Court... I know I've mentioned before that ONE of the last conversations we had was about today. Sitting at Rooftop 120 in Glastonbury, I said "I would be totally ok with having something here. We love it here and its so chill." She told me she had something even better planned... That was June 8th, 2019. I will never know what she would have planned or even if in that moment she even had an idea of how she would want to celebrate it, being so far off.

So with Court gone, I planned my own birthday trip to Napa, CA with my girlfriends thinking, Court would so be down for this. THIS is going to be amazing. Unfortunately, that trip was not able to happen because of Covid-19.

Last night was rough. This past week, month and year have been ROUGH. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until about midnight, then my phone was going off with people texting their happy birthday wishes. I silenced my phone but again was up form 2-5:30ish. When I finally woke up at 7, I was crying. I have been waking up like that a lot lately. I know it's ok to be sad. It's ok to have a bad day. But, not today. I don't want it today. I laid in bed until 9...

I wanted so badly to dream about Court last night but instead, I had a vivid dream about my dad. He told me it was ok to be sad today. It's ok to go through what I need to go through because my future will be better for it. It's ok to be where I am because I've been through a lot. Thanks Dad, I needed that.

So, I pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, blow dried my hair and put some makeup on (CRAZY GIRL, slow it downnnnn). I journaled and did my thing, then I went to target and got myself a birthday outfit.

I felt good. I felt happy. Even as "Cats and the Cradle" came on the radio followed by "Brown Eyed Girl" I knew Court and my dad were with me.

30... I had my whole life planned. Mapped out to the age I would get married, have kids, buy a house, etc. But, the life i'm currently living was not my plan for 30. It's been hard letting go of those plans, the future I envisioned and the future Court and I envisioned together. But, at the end of the day I am SO GRATEFUL for my past, present and hopeful for my future.

Court would want me to be happy, to be able to move forward and to succeed in everything I do. So for her AND for me, I will continue to keep going. To continue honoring her and find my light, I want to bring back that fire I KNOW I have within me. I want to find my passion and to thrive.

30 is just another chapter in my book. Maybe it's the start to a squeal. Sometimes it's scary... sequels aren't always as good as the originals in my opinion. But, my story will continue to grow and develop, never leaving that first book behind. It will always be there. It will always teach me lessons and help me reflect on now and tomorrow.

In 30 years I've lost some of the most important people in my life. My grandfather at 16, My Dad at 25, My wife at 29, and my Aunt (who was more like a mother to me) just a month before my 30th. They all have had special and important rolls in my life. They have all made me better, stronger and smarter. They have ALL always supported me and been there for me. 30 is my year to be there for myself. To take that love they shared and learn to carry it as my own. I have been blessed with some beautiful, loving, giving people in my life and I can only hope that they are still with me, guiding me every step of the way.

So, here is to big changes, to confidence, to love and life. AND, a future that is SO bright, those amazing people that I love, who are so far away can see it shining day and night.

Happy 30th to me. #LetsDoThis