Nine.

Time really escapes me. All day I’ve been thinking 10, 10, 10. Because it feels like it’s been 10 years and at other times only 10 days. But, 10 isn’t even the right number. Nine. Nine is the right number. I knew all day that it was the 10th. I knew last week that come Tuesday it would be, the 10th. So I guess 10 has been in my head. 9 months ago at this time my life changed. My life was thrown as high as it could possibly be grown to come crashing down to earth in millions of little pieces. Nine. How? I have a journal that you wrote to me. That journal is now a gift. I hated it at first. Now, I treasure it. The love letters. The cards, the notes. Every piece of you I saved. I’m grateful for those treasures. Last night was my 2nd to last understanding your grief workshop. I mentioned in my check in that I don’t believe in blessings. I’m not religious and I feel like that is a religious word. I do know however that I have received gifts from you since you’ve been gone. I’m not happy to receive them at first. And really, who wants to say that there have been “blessings” or gifts out of this. I guess it’s a complicated feeling. My biggest gift I have received is time. I know that’s contradicting what I’ve always said because time will always be ascue and time passing sucks. But, the time I’ve had to learn, understand, grow, be able to stay present and take time for self care- that is the time I’m grateful for. My job is a gift, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a ling time- Work for a nonprofit and it has the added bonus of supporting youth and allowing them to express themselves in the arts. I was blessed with the time I wasn’t working and was able to go to the ranch. I was blessed with the 8 months I was able to keep my house off the market. I have been blessed with how quickly things feel like they’re turning around at the house. I’m blessed that I’ve had the time to begin distancing myself from that house, a life raft that I thought was keeping me afloat but was really drowning me. I’ve been blessed with the gift of learning to set boundaries and know who is my support system, my family and my friends. I’ve been able to put distance between myself and people who are not healthy for me. I’m gifting myself grace. This week, I am riding a wave. One of the craziest things I have experienced is a new understanding of the phrase “cloud nine” and “rock bottom”. Because I have experienced such lows, those highs are amazing. They don’t last super long. At lest not the initial rush but, I’m trying to hold onto that positive. That good. That gift. I know that that wave can crash at any moment. I’m learning not to anticipate the crash.

So, today I am grateful for those gifts. I am grateful for the gift of love I was able to experience. For the strength Court gave me. I’m grateful to still feel her, still love her and still feel her love. I’m grateful to be able to listen to Irish music, to reminisce about my wife. To laugh. To joke. To cook corned beef and cabbage. I’m grateful to keep her alive. My love. I love you more, most, more than most and even more than that. I’ll see you in my dreams.