June 10, 2019. It was a Monday. 2 days after the death of my sister in laws mother, Karen and 10 days before the death anniversary of my Dad, Keith. It was a miserable Monday. Rainy, dreary, miserable. But I would take the rain and that brief moment of disgust for life any day.
7:56PM I arrived home after several phone calls and messages to my wife asking her if she was OK and freaking out that she was taking too long a nap and would never sleep that night. We talked every night on my hour long commute home. This was odd. I was getting worried but, anger came over me. She is NOT going to sleep tonight, she needs to sleep. I did what I always did when she was ignoring me or I was upset... I went to Marshalls. I found cute Pride napkins, perfect for our cookout we were having that coming Saturday. "I'm gonna send Court a picture of these." I thought, then my phone rang. It was my brother talking to me about Karen's Celebration of Life picnic that would be the following week. "Whatever you need." I insisted and hung up the phone , checked out and called my wife one last time. Again, No answer. UGH She is NEVER going to sleep tonight. She always answers me, even when she's sleeping she answers on the 2nd or 3rd time. This was call number 6. Little did I know the horror that would become reality as I entered my home that dreary, rainy, miserable Monday evening.
June 9th was a rough Sunday, the night before my sister-in-laws mother passed away after a courageous 15 month battle with Glioblastoma (brain cancer). Court was devastated, as was I. Court was an empath in the most beautiful and destructive way. She couldn't come to feel the loss of this beautiful woman, mother, wife, grandmother, friend who cared about so many and gave her self to her family and friends. Her life was ripped short from an incurable disease. Court loved her just as she loved every person who crossed her path during her life. Court and I sat that night on our couch as we do every evening, watching "Dead to Me" one of many TV shows I will never finish. This particular Sunday I was "designing" our Middletown PRIDE T-shirts we would be wearing on Saturday. I cut a peace sign in the back of my shirt, angel wings in the back of hers... irony in it's finest moment. She put on her shirt and lit up. "Babe, this is amazing, I love it. I feel so good." She looked so good. She always looked so good. That must have been the last moment of feeling good my wife experienced and the smile on her face accompanied by her dimples confirmed that feeling.
June 14, 2019 was the last time I saw my wife as she lay in her casket before the calling hours. I wanted to see her, I NEEDED to see her. I didn't want the image I came home to that miserable Monday to be my final memory. But, really how is the memory of your spouse in a casket that you had to pick out better? I stood in that funeral home just two days prior with her mother, brothers and sister in law picking out her casket. I said out loud, "That one, that's the one, she would love the color and the grain." As if the color of the wood that her body would be cremated in matters. Her mom said it was similar to the casket her father had at his funeral almost 10 years prior. "Well then, it's perfect." I looked at her in that light golden, wooden casket. Did that give me closure? Did that confirm the nightmare I had been living was reality? No. There was no confirmation. There was no closure. It wasn't her, they made a mistake. That's not Court. Where is my wife? I ran out of the funeral home.
That day, I sat in the first chair of the receiving line. Looking over at her now closed casket. Apparently the thought of suicide makes some people uneasy to attend a funeral. Surely they haven't witnessed what I did 4 days prior, what the hell were they afraid of? I saw her. I knew what she did, where, how... I wanted to see her. I sat there looking over at the flowers, at the room filled with grieving familiar faces and many that I didn't recognize. The heart wreath I made for her at my moms flower shop was hung behind the photo we chose to represent the person laying covered beneath it. It was a photo from our wedding day. My favorite photo of my wife from that day. She was radiant, she was glowing, she was filled with joy. I was sure to use Calla Lilies and the Red Roses Court carried at our wedding just 8 months and 2 weeks prior in her heart, the last "gift" I will ever craft for my wife. I sat there, time passing, people coming and going, scanning the room, waiting for her to enter.
"My deepest condolences".
"But, why? she was so happy. YOU made her so happy."
"I'm so sorry, Chelsea."
The why questions stung, I don't know why. If I did know why she would do this, I'd like to think I would have made a choice to help her and we all wouldn't be here. Why? You tell me, I thought to myself over and over again. I sat there thinking this is a joke, this is so fucked up, what is going on?
115 days later I'm still sitting here saying this is a joke, this is so fucked up, what is going on? I need my wife, I need my life back. I don't need a life insurance policy, or condolences and fruit baskets. I don't need Facebook reminders that we were on our honeymoon one year ago today. I need our life, my life, I needed the person I turned to for help, love, support and guidance, the person who would be there for me in such a devastating circumstance and that, was my wife. I need my wife.
A lot has happened in these 115 days... those stories, those poems and journal entries are to come...
Tomorrow, 10/5 is the 4 year anniversary of our first date. Tomorrow I will be at my home, our home starting to clear out the house to get ready to sell it, or not sell it? Yet another decision I am forced to make. I will be washing bed sheets and the dirty clothes that have been sitting in a hamper for the last 115 days. Her clothes, my clothes... This will be the last time I wash our clothes together. I will be weeding through our belongings, boxing up our past and our future. I will be doing this without the help of my wife.
This past Monday was our first wedding anniversary. I honored her the best I could by spreading her ashes at "The Pond", a spot we would meet for lunch at least 2 days a week when we first started dating. It was there at the pond, the most tranquil escape form reality we could find in Meriden, CT that we shared many of our first laughs, meals, "I miss you's", "please don't go back to work's!" and I love you's. It was there on 9/30/2019 as I read our wedding vows and tossed my wife's ashes into the pond, that a single dragonfly flew by and I was able to say "Happy Anniversary, My Love. I miss you so much. I love you."
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