This image came up in my Facebook newsfeed today... This. This is how I’ve been the last 2 weeks.
As a culture, we think once the funeral service is over and our lives return to normal, so do the lives of the people who lost their loved ones. The casket has been bought, flowers have been ordered, meals have been delivered. That’s it. In a week or two there will be nothing left for the grieving person to do. Soon, there will be little to no more phone calls to check in. It’s all over. It happened. It’s been awhile all is good. No.
Grief will never go away. They will always want to keep their loved one alive. They will always wish they did or said something to that person before they passed. There is a clear start and end to their life with that person and what’s beyond that is foggy and frightening. I‘m scared I’ll forget the sound of my wife’s voice. I’m scared I’ll forget the feel of her hugs and the warmth of her smile. I’m scared of my forever with out her.
With her death, there came (and things still keep coming) things that I didn’t know about. That we didn’t plan for. I don’t remember my mom having to do any of this when my dad passed away. But, I know I’ve had to do it.
It’s been almost eight months and there are so many things to still take care of logistically. I hate it. It’s not fair. I keep saying this isn’t Court, she never wanted to hurt anyone. Financially she always worried or wanted to make sure we were “ok”. She wanted to provide and take care of our family yet, I’m the one here trying to pick up all of the pieces. I’m the one stuck here paying all of our bills, paying her car taxes, her credit cards, her outstanding medical bills. I’m dumping money into our home I no longer live in. I’m bringing Jax to the vet, paying off her cellphone that’s been shut off since July. I’m here. I’m here picking up the broken pieces everyday that can in turn, break me. But, I’m doing it.
Grief is the loneliest place to be. My support groups help. They make me feel like I’m not completely crazy, that I am doing what I need to do for me. That has been good but, the hard things, I am doing alone. I have support and I’m grateful for my friends and family but the bills, the decisions, the sale of our house, what to do with her things, how to pack up our belongings, how to stage our house so no one asks questions about that empty room. All that lies on me. They’re all decisions that I would be making with Court. But, Court is the reason why I have to make them alone. I hate it. I hate that I’m mad at my wife for leaving me. I’m mad because she knew we couldn’t do this alone. She knew we took care of each other. I’m mad she took away love. I’m mad that she’s made me scared of love. I’m mad that this trauma has created walls and barriers. I’m mad we will never have a tomorrow or even a today. I can’t believe she did this. I can’t believe she left not only me but her friends and family. It’s not her and, that makes me even more mad. Does she regret her decision? Does she see the pain, anger and hopelessness?
Tomorrow is our nieces 1st birthday. The night my sister in law went into labor court was sick, she had to stay home and I went to the hospital. She was SO upset. She wanted so badly to be there, she was so excited to meet our niece. She bought her a book about influential women and was going to be that auntie who taught her that getting dirty wasnt just a boy thing. Changing your oil, woodworking and hanging a shelf would have been things she would have showed Van.
Savannah was 4 months old when her Auntie “Coney” took her life. The last few weeks of her life we spent every weekend with Van and my brother and sister in law because our house was closer to the hospice center Bre’s mom was in. 4 months and 9 days after this baby girl was born she took her life, 4 months and 9 days after she was so upset for missing out on such an amazing day. Since June 10th she’s missed a lot of amazing days or, days that should have been amazing. If she was so upset about missing Savannah’s birth, I wonder how she feels not being here for her 1st birthday tomorrow. How she felt missing her 31st birthday. How she felt missing our one year wedding anniversary, her nephews birthdays, Christmas, Karen’s memorial service, how she will feel missing my 30th birthday, the day I sell our house, the day I do allow myself to find love, the day I start the family we talked about starting together... and that, makes me sad and mad.
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