Hey Babe, I'm Mad at You.

Maybe you don't deserve my anger. And, honestly I HATE being mad at you. I was never mad at you... or if I was, there was always a conversation about it. Now, there is no conversation.

Last year, Jax was dealing with his allergies in the weeks before you decided to leave. You were anxious about him, we were trying everything in our power to make our baby boy feel better. Then you left. You left Jax, you left me. This year, I was all alone with the same anxieties. I took Jax to a new vet because he was SO BAD and I couldn't get him in with ours. I sat in the room anxiously waiting. Thinking the worst. Thinking that these are not allergies that maybe he has cancer, that if he bit the vet they would say he needed to be euthanized. (This aggression at the vet is also new since you left). Luckily neither of these were the case and it IS just allergies but, you're not here. I came home, put socks on our boys feet so it would help his paws from the constant nibbling and sat with him crying. I told you I hated you repeatedly. I'd say it and then I felt bad for hating you.

Year two is turning out to be harder than year one. Year one was a fog. It was full of to-do lists that needed to be accomplished. There was a mission and a plan. Now, there's not a plan or mission for year two except for me to get my shit together. To get a full time job, to get Jax and I a house/apartment/OUR OWN SPACE. He deserves that and so do I but, you took that away from us. You took everything.

When we first met, we started with nothing, in four short years we had EVERYTHING. Materialistic items, a house, a dog, a beautiful wedding, vacations, memories, we built our home and our life together. That life feels like a joke because I am back to where I was in 2015. But, now I'm 30. I have to tell people I'm a widow. When they ask about your death I don't lie... "She died by suicide" I say and they look at me and their heart sinks and you can tell that they pitty me. Then do they think of the horrible person I must be for my wife to do this? I don't know. I'm sure some people do. They have no tact. Some people will ask how? Why? Where? Did you know? and I can't. It's so invasive. You have now made me a statistic. You have made me broken and undesirable and not good enough. You have made me a widow to suicide, a suicide loss survivor. Thank you for that title I never wanted, a title that no one should experience.

I cry, I hurt, I'm in pain. Every day. It's not an ebb and flow thing, it's constant. I don't enjoy things we did together, even things that I LOVED even before I met you aren't enjoyable. I enjoyed my time in Rhode Island this weekend but, it was different. You were missing. You weren't at the cottage with me, we didn't share sushi or lounge on the beach. Everywhere I went, you were missing. My favorite place in the world is now full of emptiness. I couldn't go to our favorite t-shirt shop. I couldn't even go to Marshalls (I know, shocking). I wanted to go to T's for breakfast but, I couldn't bring myself to do that either. Stopping at Dave's Coffee on the way home made a pit in my stomach. There was no sushi, no clam cakes, no clamming, no "we're living off the land!". I used to love watching the boats and the Block Island ferry... I didn't enjoy that this time. I'm not sure when I will go to Block again. Our Bachelorette weekend and the trips we would take together- the time we rented a Jeep and just drove all over the island. All those memories are there too . That emptiness is there too.

The emptiness is everywhere now. The fog has settled and there is life outside my grief. The doors to my heart that I had to close to be able to get through the first year are peeking open and the pain and tears that rush into those doors in sometimes unbearable. You did the ultimate hurt to me. You have hurt me consistently for 398 days. You'd hate how much you hurt the people you loved. You hated to see me cry when you were here. How does it feel now, knowing that my tears at night, after a vet appointment, watching the sunset in RI... how does it feel that those tears are for you? That those tears are pain, anger, sadness and emptiness because of you?

I'm mad. I'm SO mad at you. I hate it but, I am. I feel like you've ruined who I am. I will never be the same and maybe that's a good thing. You've made me closed off. You've made me afraid of love, of the future, of what can happen in an instant. You made me afraid of you. I was never afraid of you. I SAW you. I saw your pain, and I loved you. I thought I helped you. I thought you were okay because, you said you were. I thought we together, were better. I hate that you were in so much pain. I hate that the darkness took over you. I hate that you couldn't look past the pain and couldn't see the light. I hate that I didn't know. I hate the choice you made for yourself and for me, Jax, your family, your friends, coworkers. I hate that.

So, maybe I'm not mad at you? Maybe I'm mad with you? I'm mad you couldn't have a voice. I'm mad you were so lost and the stigmas in our country forced you to stay silent. I'm mad you couldn't talk to me. I'm just mad. I'm mad at your end. Sometimes, I'm not as mad at the emptiness I have because that means it was once SO full. But, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I miss you. I'm waiting for you all the time. I don't know if i'll ever stop searching for you because, you were it. You were mine. You still are mine and you still have me even though you're not here.

I do love you, but I am so hurt by you. I guess that's the price to pay for love.

-C