Today was probably the hardest day I've had at my house. Sure, I've had my days before but I always knew my home would be there when I wanted to go back. Now, I'm looking at 6 more days until I need to be out and reality keeps getting more... real. It's taken me a few hours to even be able to write. Usually I can sit down and my feeling come pouring out. But, today I was afraid that the tears would start and wouldn't stop. Today I felt like I was going to crumble.
This is exhausting. Physically, mentally draining. I'm not only grieving, not only am I cleaning out my house by myself knowing that as of April 3rd it is no longer ours- it's no longer a life raft I can hold onto. Now i'm forced to do it alone because of the current health epidemic. This was the ONLY thing I was going to accept help with. The ONLY time I had people say "I will be there the weekend of the 28th. You don't need to do this alone." and accepted the offers.
I have had to do a lot on my own for myself- I had to take our life together off the walls, I had to fold her clothes, I had to carry her shoes through our house and load them into a box. Each item, Knick knack, towel and sock deserved respect. I had to do it for myself and do it for her. But, I knew I would eventually need help.
I stood crying in the garage today. The garage of all places. We didn't park our cars there, nothing crazy happened there- no "memorable memories"- we used it as storage. The garage was home for all of Court's tools. It was where her happiness was. In her woodworking. In her drills and saws. In her "pounder" (which is actually called an impact drill but I always called it a pounder and was proud when I bought the right one for her for Christmas 2 years ago.) I know how to use that "pounder", that drill, the power washer, all those tools because of Court. I cried putting all of her things in buckets, bags and boxes. I cried taking down the bird feeder I bought her for her first and only Mother's Day from Jax. Mother's Day, that still stings... I haven't been able to take my wind chime she got me for my 29th Birthday down either- that was one of the last gifts she bought and wrapped for me. I get emotional over some of her clothes. But her tools, the bird feeder she wanted, the music playing from my wind chime- those are Court.
With each item I paused. I was literally waiting for her to walk through the door. Of course I would have FREAKED out if that happened but, I was waiting for it to happen. I have been waiting for it to happen since June 10th of last year. Reality is messing with me. I'm not a fan. I'm ready to go back to denial.
I'm moving into my brother's basement. (Right, basement living- Court, remember when Bre joked with you when she came to see our apartment in Wallingford and said "sooooo, Chelsea is camping?" at the lack of "hominess" our first home had at the time- you soon fixed that for me, going out the next day and buying a couch, a bed, a tv and tv stand. Thank you for that. But, I loved "camping" with you). Setting up the basement at my brother's house I think of her. Putting together shelves, folding my clothes and placing them into the bureaus we had at our apartment and then our home, using a drill to hang pictures and decor. I think of her.
I get angry. I cry. I yell at her. I call her names. We never called each other names so I immediately regret it when I tell her I hate her, because, I don't. I love her so much. I miss her SO much.
I should have done more at my house today. But, I couldn't. My body was shaking. My chest was hurting and my stomach turning. Reality. Anxiety. It's all too much. She's never coming back and it's too much. I am being forced to do this alone, another choice I did not get to make. I'm doing it because I have to. I'm doing it because no one else can.
I hate grief. I hate when people say to trust the process. What kind of process is this? Who decided that I could "handle" my wife dying, why did I deserve to let go of the future I envisioned with her? Why did this epidemic happen during the ONE time I asked for help and was accepting it? Is it a joke? I'm not laughing... Is anyone laughing at their reality today? Because, now it's not only the people grieving who are thinking of death, who are experiencing the anxiety that comes with illness and uncertainty. Everyone is dealing with so much at the present time but, "We're never given what we can't handle."
White flag. WHITE FLAG!
I can COMPLETELY do with no more wrenches, anxiety attacks and curve balls being thrown at me.
I always try and end on a positive note. I'm not feeling super positive today. But I am feeling somewhat POWERFUL because guess what? I'm doing it. I'm getting through and partsking in some #selfcare. I just got my function of beauty shampoo and conditioner subscription and it smells and feels AMAZING. So, I'm going to treat myself to a nice long warm shower and enjoy the smell of eucalyptus filling the air. Deep breaths girl, you've got this.
The link for function of beauty is below if anyone is interested and I also uploaded some pictures of my wife's amazing Scroll Saw work.
Take care of YOU. Stay safe stay healthy. Stay positive and practice self care during this stressful time.
-C
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