After the initial shock of your loved one passing away people ask you how you're doing but then, that questions stops. If that question does ever come up many people feel inclined to say "I'm fine" "I'm doing OK" etc. But, really they're not fine or OK. Something completely life altering happened to them. It could have happened 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years ago but, it happened and it's a piece of them.
Now, everyone is asking others how they're doing because we ALL are experiencing something earth shattering. Something we've never dealt with before. Checking in and seeing how friends and family are doing is good. It's also good when there's not an epidemic going on to check in and ask friends and family how they're doing... when I get a “how are you” currently, I answer in terms of Covid-19, not grief.
When thinking about starting my own foundation months ago, I was having a conversation with my sister-in-law. We were talking about loss and how loss doesn't necessarily have to mean death. It can mean the loss of a marriage, the loss of a job, a home, a friend who you drifted apart from. Loss is something that happens to everyone. So, why is death such an awkward loss? Right now we are ALL dealing with loss. Mostly the loss of our day to day life. We're stuck at home, not going to work, not participating in sports. Kids are missing school, proms, graduations. Expectant mothers are faced with the possibility of not having their spouse in the delivery room with them. When they bring those babies home, they probably wont have visitors for a few months. Small businesses are suffering. Couples are canceling their weddings. Loss is everywhere. Death is a part of that loss for some families too.
The extra anxiety of Covid-19 has made the already hard process of choosing to sell my house even harder. It's forced me to do a lot myself, and that is OK. I was able to show myself I was able to do it. I was able to carry, take apart and pack a lot on my own. I am grateful for the help of my sister-in-law while my brother was home quarantining and feeling like total crap (he FINALLY got tested today). But, all in all I did it alone. And when I say that "I did it alone" I more so mean I did it without my wife. I did it without my person. Without the person I built that life with. The person who knew where the flood light is that I could not find, the one who knows how to take the ring devices off the walls and doors because she installed them. The person who would have sat with me on the drives to and from our home. She and I together would have decided what we should donate, sell or toss. What was "worth keeping". That , that I did alone. I decided what memories were "worth keeping" and what I needed to toss. Maybe I threw things away I shouldn't have or kept things that are not worth the space, but I did it. That was probably the hardest part of all of this. Yes, I know I am PHYSICALLY strong. But, emotionally- that's a whole new ballgame for me.
I would come home from being at my house, unload the haul I brought back to my brothers and just sit in silence in the basement. I couldn't think. I couldn't let my mind go. I was on overload and I still am. Today is the first day I have not been to my house in at least a week. I have a lot to go through here to keep me occupied for a while longer and a shed to build in my brothers back yard for all my yard equipment. So, I'll stay busy. busy is good for me. I do close on the house April 3rd so, that's good. I made it and I did it before that date. I wasn't going to stop and take a break until that house was empty.
But, now I'm left with the feeling of after Friday, I will never be able to "go home". Even though that wasn't home anymore. I don't have it. I won't have it. Our last name is off the mailbox. The home that belonged to Mrs. and Mrs. Reis will soon be gone forever.
I threw away almost everything from our wedding. It made me angry looking at our "Love is Love sign", the pallet board we made together, the placements, the charger plates we spray painted, the table numbers we made sitting at her mom's dining room table, the wooden ladders we got married under and the mason jars we had for our favors... everything from that day makes me angry and sad. I hate those things.
Even sitting in my brothers basement which is now what I call "home" I can't help but look at items and get angry at them. Everything in here has a memory, has a story. The TV is the one Court sprained her ankle on carrying into our apartment. I told her to wait until I got home to bring it inside but, she insisted on bringing it in herself. The chair she went out to get me the December I had weight loss surgery. She felt so bad watching me in so much pain getting off our couch that she wanted to get me something more comfortable. She went out and was back 30 minutes later with it. She had to put the top down in her car to get the chair to fit- she unloaded it and started freaking out that her top was broken. It was just too cold and the car had to "warm up" in order to close the convertible top. The candle sitting on the coffee table in front of me is from one of her favorite candle companies, the blanket we got on our honeymoon is draped across that chair, the bed I sleep in was the last one we slept in together, the carpet under my bed is the one from my living room. The room we would often sit in and say how much we loved our life, how much we loved each other. A hair straightener, laundry detergent, throw pillow, table runners, picture frames. Everything. Everything has a piece of her and a piece of us.
Do I toss it all and start over? I know I threw away or donated a lot but, she IS still here. She is still a part of my "home." I have two boxes sitting on a shelf below the shadow box I made with the flowers from her funeral. One box has every card and note she ever gave me in it. The other holds her wallet, keys, perfume, belt and glasses. How long do I hold onto those? An urn, photos, dragonflies, sunglasses, her cellphone, wine corks, knick knacks... am I living in a shrine? Everything is placed with care and purpose. I carry her ID in my wallet. Why? I put it in there so I had it on hand for my taxes and probate. That's all over... when do I take that out of my wallet? I'm not sure I ever will. I still have my dad's wallet. He's been gone 5 years this June... Some people carry around their loved one's mass cards, I carry around my wife's drivers license... I guess we do weird things with loss. I want to remember her. I want her to always be a part of me but, I don't want to be surrounded by pain, anger and sadness. I'm not sure what my next move is... I hate putting her in a box, I guess I will just sit with it for a while.
Tonight I went through the last of her clothes. Choosing what to keep and what to donate was hard. I already wished I didn’t donate some of her jeans. Will I ever wear any of her special cloths? The Calvin Klein dress that still has the tags, is it ok for me to keep and wear? I went with her to buy that dress. I want to make a blanket with her clothes. The clothes that were meaningful to me. Everything is meaningful to me. There are memories in every stitch, every rip, every stain. I just can’t stand to “throw her away” but, I also can’t keep everything. It’s another hurdle, another unforeseen loss. The loss of sunglasses, a T-shirt, a notebook, even a pen. It’s crazy. It sucks. It’s loss and I wish the world was a different place right now. It might have been a little easier to navigate if I had some sense of my “new normal” amidst all the chaos. I will go back to my house tomorrow one last time to say goodbye. That sounds crazy too. But, it’s a loss. At least I know it’s happening, at least it’s something I’m choosing. I want to honor her and the home we built. The love and the life we built together. Even in the 8 1/2 months that home was ours, it was OURS. We did so much in such a short amount of time. We worked so hard to create that home and it WAS a home built on love.
I hope everyone is staying healthy and taking care of themselves during this health crisis. Be sure to call and check in on friends and loved ones. FaceTime, play an online game with them, whatever you can do to still stay connected. Take care of yourself.
-C
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