I’m Not

What a weekend. I’m grateful. I’m happy. I know there’s still a long road... but, some anxiety about the world around me has been lifted. With that also comes personal anxiety. I‘ve been doing “ok”. Working hard at work, have received two promotions and am basically just getting through. Some days there’s light. Some days there isn’t. It’s still a struggle. Seasons changing, leaves falling, the first snow fall and now an Indian summer weekend in November... the world around us deeply effects our mental state. It’s getting darker earlier. The days become shorter. Seasonal depression mixed with anniversaries and the upcoming holidays... Courts 32nd birthday is this week... 32. Two years since I got to celebrate her with “her”. It’s a dream. She’s a stranger. I see pictures of her and say “hey, my love.” And that’s it. I’m running a burying for sure but how long am I supposed to hold on and feel? How long will I feel the desire to just lay in bed and cry? I‘m doing “ok”. That’s what I say. Because OK is all I can be. Fighting and trying is all I can do. I’ve met some beautiful people over the last year and 5 months. I‘ve also met some insanely mean people. It sucks that those people bring me down further. It sucks that there is such ugliness in the world. I’m still working. I’m trying to find my light and keep it going and only allow positive energy in. I’m not sure what else to reflect on this year. I have such a “love, hate“ relationship with Court now. Life is moving. Years are passing. Birthdays and holidays Promotions and new opportunities. She’s missing it all. But, I’m not.