Every year, there is a day of remembrance for those effected by a loss to suicide. This Saturday 11/23 will be the first Suicide Loss Day I will attend. Five months and 13 days after the loss of my wife. It's a day I never knew about. It's a life I never thought I would live. I am a suicide loss survivor. I dream about my wife every night and wish those good dreams could be reality but, they can't.
I've said it before, suicide loss survivors have a grief cycle like none other. Many times, there are no answers, no signs, only questions and guilt remain. I was with my wife for four years. We lived together for just about those four full years. We were married 8 months and 10 days. We had a beautiful, full life. We spent every weekend together, we talked about everything. We closed on our house two days before our wedding, remodeled the kitchen, had the entire house painted and new stair treads installed. We had just got our stone patio done. We had everything. We were going to UConn fertility to start a family. We worked hard to have the life we had. She worked hard. She took up side jobs designing websites. She wanted to provide. She was amazing. Her smile could light up a room and the thought of her dimples and laugh can still make me giddy. She was perfect, she was brilliant and talented. She was beautiful and she was silently suffering. I wish I knew, I wish I knew even an ounce of the pain she was feeling every day hidden beneath that smile. How exhausting that life must have been, living two parallel lives, two lives she learned to master over time.
On Court's 30th birthday, just 7 months prior to her death, she pulled me aside. She said "I never thought I would make it to 30. Thank you. This party is amazing. I'm so lucky to have you, I don't know how I got so lucky. I love you." I didn't think much of it, I knew she had a "past". I knew she was "good now" because she said so, she loved me and I loved her and that's all anyone needs right? Wrong. No amount of love can save someones life but, talking about mental illness and lifting the negative stigma can.
On Court's 1st birthday among the stars, I did a photo shoot. It was the best emotional release I've had through this short grieving process. Artistic expression was always an outlet for me and it was just that for Court. That morning I woke up and started getting myself ready. This is the last time I'll get ready for Court, I thought as I applied my blush and mascara... Court wanted to do a trash the dress session with her wedding gown, so that day I did it for her. I walked into an old high school friend's studio (Hannah Rachael Photography http://www.hannahrachaelphoto.com/) with a bag and large box containing both of our wedding dresses. I laid everything out for Hannah to see and explained what all the knick-knacks, cards and notebooks were. Hannah laid our dresses out in the studio and told me to do whatever I needed to do. I did, it was like she wasn't even there in that last intimate experience I had with my wife.
Below are some of the photos from that day. I wanted to share them with you. I hope these images can help others the way they helped me. I hope they can show people the pain that comes after suicide. My wish is for change, for it to be OK to be "emotional". For people to TALK about mental illness. Every person in this world goes through depression. For some people, it never goes completely away, for others it is situational. None the less, everyone deserves help, everyone deserves to be heard.
I will always miss my wife and I will always try my best to be the voice she couldn't have due to the stigma of mental illness.
If you ever need it...
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
-C. Reis
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