Through this whole journey people have been telling me it’s ok to stay in bed all day or not get dressed. It’s OK every once in a while to just have a day. I never really had those days... I wouldn’t allow myself to because I judged myself so harshly for it. The last 10 months I did get up, roll out of bed and kept on going. I pushed myself every day. The times I DID want to lay in bed or just collapse on the floor I got up and pushed myself even harder. I’m fine. I’m OK and No, I can do it we’re my go to phrases when people wanted to help. This week I finally did it. I checked out for the day. I woke up Tuesday just exhausted. Mentally, physically done. My brain felt like it was going to pop out of my head and trying to balance a budget and submit payroll took me an extra 30 minutes because I just could not function anymore. I apologized to my aunt and said I need a break today. I felt bad for needing a break. I knew if I didn’t rest my mind and body I would just collapse. I guess I’m grateful for the last 10 months. For learning what my body needs. What my brain and heart need. It doesn’t make it easy and trust me I judged myself all day for saying I need a day to zone out. To reset. I’m still judging myself for it. My earth and world didn’t shatter with the loss of my aunt, right? I don’t have the house, dogs, bills etc to worry about. Maybe It’s because I was in such a fog at the beginning with Court but, I didn’t get that “hit by a bus” feeling until a few weeks or months out when I started to process. It’s only been 11 days and on day 9 I got hit. There is no obligation for me to be the one staying here and helping my aunt. And also don’t like that she feels that way. Because it’s not the case. I get it, I can understand the pain, heartache, questions of why and feeling completely lost and hopeless. I’m glad I understand and can be here for her in a way I felt I needed someone to be there for me. Don’t get me wrong, my support system of friends and family was AMAZING. They still are amazing but, they haven’t lost their spouse. I get that. I also get that’s it’s different. I’m trying my best to offer what I think I needed in retrospect. It doesn’t mean it’s right. I may not say the right things but, I’m here and I’m grateful for the knowledge I do have. This situation, the world were living in, the isolation and distancing was already exhausting. Finding the energy to move from my bed to couch to get some work done was already difficult. Now, it’s even harder. But, I’m doing it. I told my therapist I’d like some girl scout patches for my “achievements” so, whoever wants to get on designing those I’d be happy to PM you my address. I judge myself so harshly. I don’t think I’m doing anything right, I don’t want to disappoint my aunt, court or my aunt Kathy. I don’t want to disappoint myself either but it’s engraved in me that I’m not enough. That I’m wrong. That I’m a burden or useless. When my therapist told me i’m handling and navigating this so well I’m like really?!? because, I feel like shit. I hate the person who drilled and instilled such negative core values into me. I hate that she’s still walking on this earth without a care in the world. I hate that she blasts my name and her families name and only looks for sympathy. She never put in “the work”. It’s unfair I have to work twice as hard to erase all that I knew. And, some days I can’t erase it. It creeps back in and that voice tells me I’m not enough, I’m useless, I’m selfish, I need to push through and push on because “you’re strong like me”. No, I don’t want to be “strong like you.” I want to be strong mentally. Strong enough to ask for help and not feel judged or weak. Moments of vulnerability are the worst. You’re already down and scared and that voice takes over. I want it to go away. Yet again today, when all I wanted to do was lay in bed, I pulled myself up and out and got things accomplished. Just writing this is an accomplishment. I’ll take it. I won’t hold onto it long and I’m sure that “I’ll take it” sounds more inspirational to you than it feels to me but, it is what it is. Stay safe and healthy and good lord, social distance and help to protect yourself AND others. Let’s try and make the world a more selfless place.
-C
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