The last few days have been increasingly difficult for me. With a global health crisis knocking on our door, we have been forced to slow down and practice social distancing. Both of those things are hard to do especially for those of us who are grieving. I can do the social distancing aspect for a while but, loneliness will set in. Depression can become rampant with isolation and the uncertainty of our world adds to the stress and anxiety of tomorrow.
At first, I wasn't "afraid" of Covid-19. I talked to my therapist about it a few weeks ago. I remember saying, "It is what it is, I mean- I'm not going to go out and lick a telephone pole or anything but whatever..." But, the truth is I am anxious about it. My anxiety today is different than my anxiety 3 weeks ago. I know my anxiety is stemming from fear and uncertainty. I'm trying to check the facts when it comes to this virus and when it comes to my emotions. Currently, my household has been effected by Covid-19. My brother most likely picked it up at work and brought it home to my sister-in-law, my 13 month old niece and myself.
Fact 1, it's here.
There's no running from it. It's something that can't be controlled, unfortunately.
Fact 2.
People are getting laid off and will not be getting paid. This fact makes me SUPER anxious. Because, lets be real everyone needs money to survive and I'm in the middle of selling my house. God forbid the buyer gets laid off and the sale falls through or something happens with a deposit, you name it and my mind and anxiety have taken me down that road. Luckily this has not happened and I'm set to close next week! (That is a WHOLE other set of anxiety that I'm not going to get into right now.)
The world has come to a standstill in some aspects but, my life hasn't. My grief hasn't. This is kind of ironic to me. For nine and a half months I HATED that the earth was still turning. I hated that people were living their day to day lives like nothing happened. And nothing did happen- to them. It happened to me. My life stopped. My world stopped and over the last few months it has started to turn again. I have been moving forward. I have been making changes and choices that are effecting my tomorrow, my healing and myself. So, it's strange to me that life has come to a screeching halt for the world. I look at it and say "what, you've never had your entire world fall apart before? You've never been afraid of losing a loved one? " I know that might sound cheeky or presumptuous but, it's how I feel. I just know that I've been through some of the toughest days of my life. There are more to come but, I'm fighting and I'm winning and I can't let my fear or anxiety get in the way of what I have overcome.
Death is now a thought on everyone's mind. You could be worried about your parent in their 60's, a grandparent who is already unwell, an uncle, cousin, anyone. Now, we're all living with a heightened fear of death. My brother said the other day, "I'm just sitting here waiting to feel worse." My brother has been so nervous about the virus. He is very much a manly man but this has him even thrown for a loop. For me, this has been an "easier" anxiety to control. I've been living life every day with death on my mind. My wife's suicide has forced me to think about death constantly and in ways I've never thought about it before. I've thought about hers, my fathers, my grandfathers and I thought about all the people I love here on earth that will eventually not be here. That is life. That is fact.
I've thought about my own death. And this is going to sound crazy but, I want to "prepare" for that now. Before we send out someone for a well check visit hear me out. This epidemic has me anxious about if/when I pass away, who will know what I want? My wife knew. I knew what she wanted because death was a part of our life. We both lost our fathers and loved ones and it impacted us. It made us think differently and have those conversations. Death can happen. Be it a car accident, epidemic, cancer, whatever my/your fate may be, it is inevitable. I know the stress that comes after death when you're not prepared. So, I've been thinking I want to write down my wishes, my passwords, any information my family will need when I'm gone. It's something that has been really weighing on me since this epidemic started and i'm not sure why this global epidemic makes death scarier to me. Maybe it's my need for control. I can't control what happened June 10th of last year, I can't control who becomes infected by this virus. That must be another source of my anxiety, loss of control. The thought of writing all that out is scary. But, it's real.
The best thing I can take and share with you from the last few months is that getting to the root of your stress and anxiety is important. It's important to understand where it is coming from so you can fact check it. Anxiety is not an emotion, it's a feeling that comes from emotion. Fear, anger, or sadness are the three core emotions I've been reflecting on lately to understand my anxiety. It's also possible that its a mixture of 2, 3 or even all core emotions that are making up your anxiety. Getting to the root and understanding your emotions then fact checking is so important right now.
Understanding that we can not control what is going on in the world right now is important. Practice the Three S's (Yes, I just made this up if it's not already a thing...) Stay present, stay positive and practice self care.
I hope you all are staying healthy and are taking time for YOU.
-C