That’s the email I used when I created this blog. That email address was the one Court and I created to keep all of our wedding stuff together. 8.5.17 the most exciting day of my life. A day that ended with so much hope and love and excitement for the future. 3 years ago... how did we get from 8.5.2017 to 8.5.2020?
I’m so INSANELY mad at Court right now. She has left me feeling so broken, so damaged. She has left me feeling that not only will I never be enough but, that I’m too much. My “trauma” is too much. That I should maybe give toxic people the benefit of the doubt because hey, I’m probably toxic too, right? That’s how she is making me feel lately.
She‘s also making it unbearably hard to know that no one is her. No one will ever be her. And yes, that is beautiful but, I never thought I’d be here.
I never thought I’d be trying to date. Trying to find someone. I long for that connection. To feel loved and accepted. To feel worthy. To feel like I AM enough. More importantly, I’m trying to feel like I’m not so broken.
But, that’s what has happened to me. I feel shattered. I feel lost. I feel unloved, under appreciate, undesirable. I feel like a mess. Like no matter what, I will never recover. I will never be happy. I will always be alone, laying in bed at night with the deepest hole in my chest. I will always have a hole that aches from my sternum to my spine.
Per usual, I catch myself and say “I don’t hate my wife, I hate what she did.” and that’s true but , I can’t take myself to look at a picture of her anymore. I hate seeing her belongings that I’ve held onto and kept close because I’m so scared something will happen to them. I hate you. I’m so mad at you. How was this supposed to make things right?
I’ve been trying so hard to move forward. To do the work. To be strong. Why is this getting harder? Because the fog has truly lifted? Because 3 years ago was ONE of the best days of my life. My next best day was my wedding... the best thing in my life has broken me. Love has broken me.
I don’t usually cry. I hold it in, I bury it and sometimes I’ll come back to it but, I just can’t stop crying now. I can’t stop my chest from hurting every single night.
It makes me scared that I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I have no motivation. I literally don’t care about certain things. I slept for 13.5 hours last night... mentally and physically I’m so done.
I want my life. I want Court. I have never wanted something I couldn’t have so bad. Normally there would be a compromise for that thing you couldn’t have. But, there’s no replacing this, there is no compromise, there is nothing that is similar.
On a call with the girls one of them asked “Have you guys ever truly felt that spark when you met someone, like that they were the one.” Yes, yes I have felt that- I thought to myself but, I believe it only happens once... maybe, that is true and maybe this was that once in a lifetime for me. I will never be able to have what I had. At the end of the day, maybe I will always be alone, I’ll never have that connection, I’ll never have kids or a real home again. I’ll never be truly loved... That’s what makes me hate you even more... maybe not hate you but, hate your actions and your choices. There are so many thing I don’t know and will never know. I can only hope but, I’m not sure where to get the energy from to hold onto that hope.
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