Saturday night, I took a bath.
My eyes gazed slowly down.
A belly that was not growing life.
That's what this Mother's Day had found.
You took that away from me,
The future that we planned.
To be a mom was my biggest wish,
One of my most treasured plans.
There will be no Caylan James,
There will be no Brooklyn Rose,
The names we chose for our children,
Without you those names are gone.
Without you those names will never be
They are never to be know.
The picture that we bought to hang in our nursery,
Still haunts me every day.
Two elephants and a baby.
That image will never go away.
The lullabies I'd sing to them
echo in my ear.
I sing them to my niece now,
It's a song our children will never hear.
It's been a long road,
These last 11 months and a day.
My love, how I miss you.
That pain will never go away.
I wish that I sang to you,
and held you close that night.
Maybe that would have helped you
continue to shine your brilliant light.
Today I am grieving
not just you but, so much more.
A life without the future we envisioned.
A life that is no more.
Goodbye, my Caylan James.
Goodbye, my Brooklyn Rose.
Even though we did not have you.
The emptiness still grows.
Happy Mother's day to me?
Whatever that may mean.
Those kids would have been perfect,
Because their moms were the very best.
They are strong and resilient
They're not like all the rest.
So if you get to meet them,
Even the idea of them is fine.
Please tell that I love them.
Our family we envisioned is no more.
That does not mean they were not wanted here.
My babies, my loves,
that are no more.
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