Rewind

Grief and loss suck. Just when you think you've come far and have gotten through "the worst" it hits you in the face.

Last Thursday I went to get my hair done. Nothing new, nothing crazy but, it was a nighttime appointment. Usually I'd get my hair done on a Saturday and once I was finished Court and I would go out for drinks and dinner. That wasn't something that happened last Thursday. Since then, I had the 5 year anniversary of my dads passing and fathers day the following day. Monday morning I didn't want to get out of bed. That hasn't happened. That actually has never happened. I would always pick myself up but, I laid in bed for 3 hours after I woke up. I didn't let Jax out to pee until 10am. That's not me either.

I thought after a year it would be easier. I thought I got through the worst but, this process is the worst.

Before my therapy session Monday I was standing outside when a dragonfly came and sat on the clothes line in front of me. I looked at it and said, "I'm not OK. I'm not doing OK." I stood there looking at the dragonfly and started to cry. I felt like I did last June 22nd. I felt lost, depressed, hopeless and so insanely alone. I still feel like that today, Wednesday. One year and 2 weeks since I last kissed my wife. These lows are SO low and I hate how I feel. My therapist reassured me that this is normal, that my anxieties and how I am feeling are different than what I felt last year, she reassured me that this is not a regression, this is growth. I hate growth. The pain is still the same as it was, it hurts no less than the pain 365 days ago. It has evolved because life has kept moving.

I hate that inside that box of grief, the ball is still the same size but that box is growing (if you don't know what I mean, check out this link https://www.distractify.com/p/doctors-ball-in-box-analog)

Over the last year my box has grown to include new memories, friendships and experiences. It has grown to adapt to healthy coping mechanisms and not self harm. But, that ball is still the same size it was June 10, 2019. It doesn't hit as often, but when it does the pain and heartache are still there.

Maybe it's Covid, the fact that we've been stuck inside since March with social distancing and working remotely. Maybe it's that a year has passed and Court still hasn't walked through the door. Maybe it IS because my box is growing. I want more from life, I want to keep going and get back what I lost. I want a full time job (Covid is really messing with that), I want an apartment or a home to call mine. I want my own space. I want my dishes and pans and bed and books. Even my sink, my shower faucet, I miss those too. I want my life. I wish so badly that I was able to stay in my house just ONE night before I sold it. I want to not feel like I've accepted this life one minute and then blame myself for being a horrible person who must have pushed Court to do this the next. I want to not go down a rabbit hole of reading our last conversations, of opening memories on Facebook or of opening a duffel bag filled with her clothes and picking one up to smell her. There are so many things I want and some of them will never happen.

I have to be grateful for the memories though right, I should be grateful for the pain because that means love IS real. That must mean the love between Court and I was real. She was my #1. How am I supposed to let that go. How am I supposed to move forward and try and have a relationship or kids if she IS my #1? That makes me lonelier too. How do I move forward? How do I achieve all the things I wanted WITH her without her and potentially with someone else? How do I keep going feeling like I'm defeated, like I'm too much, like I have messed up so much. More importantly, how am I supposed to love myself and open my heart to maybe get torn down again. Is there a book for that? Even if there is, I'm sure I'm not motivated enough to read it...

Don't want to leave it on a sour note. I texted the woman we rent our cottage in Narragansett from every year last night and they don't have it rented out for the weekend so, I am going to my happy place to unwind and relax. I need some space and some quiet and some fun with the friends I have joining me. I'm trying to pick up the pieces. Sometimes they fall but, hopefully my resiliency muscle is growing and so will I.