Sleep... Who Needs That?

Here we are again... just when you thought you’ve “checked” a “stage of grief” off your list it comes back. Sleep. Sleep is HUGE when it comes to grieving and mourning. You need it. It recharges your body and gets you ready for the day ahead. Your body needs a break and rest so, we sleep.

I remember the first week Court passed away like it was yesterday. I was so hyper aware at that time, I didn’t sleep. I was lucky to get 2-3 hours a night the first two months. It was never consecutive. 10 minutes here 30 minutes there. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her. If I stayed awake, I didn’t have to live this nightmare. I tried to fall asleep while the sun was still up. I kept the lights on, I needed the lights on. The TV had to be on as well. I began watching the Hallmark channel. Golden Girls, Fraser, I Love Lucy and Golden Girls again played in the background those sleepless nights. I would fall asleep while people were in the room. I would ask them to stay until I did fall asleep. Soon, I graduated to only having the TV on, the glow of the TV was sufficient enough. Then I began sleeping more. 5 hours, 8 hours, 14 hours... I now go to bed around around 8. Lay in bed for an hour or so and fall asleep between 9-10pm. I’ll toss and turn, snuggle my baby Jax, wake up, start thinking, watch some videos on YouTube, eventually fall back asleep and then I’m up whenever Savannah decides it‘s morning.

Tonight, I’m writing. There’s so much going on in my head. There are so many logistics that still have to take place. I’m taking a mental inventory of my kitchen at the moment. What can I donate/toss and what do I keep? Court and I loved coffee mugs. We loved matching mugs. Now, I don’t have a use for matching “hers and hers” mugs. Her blue T’s mug makes me sad. Our Love is Love Human Rights Campaign mugs make me sad. My Whale mug, her coffee tumblers for work. Coffee mugs. I’m up thinking about coffee mugs that make me sad.

Aside from mugs there are the true logistics that need to be figured out. The staging of the house. I think I’ve come up with the plan there. Sleep. My bed. God, do I miss my bed. I haven’t slept in the amazing bed in 7 months and 25 days. Court had just bought us new memory foam pillows and a mattress topper. We had just changed the sheets. I love new sheets. I sleep so well in clean sheets. I love my bed. I’m not sure I can ever sleep in that bed. Even if it’s out of my house, I’m not sure I can.

12:56am and I’m up making a mental note (a note I should really write down) about stopping by my probate lawyers office tomorrow after work. “Grief brain” or “widow brain” at it‘s finest moment made me forget to sign the check to pay the lawyer. The whole point of a check is to write it out and sign your name to pay someone, right? Nope not me, I didn’t sign. Instead, I get a lovely message from Barbara asking me “what I’d like to do with this check.” Me, then standing in line at Dollar Tree calling her back apologizing profusely. I probably should have waited until I got back to the car to make that call. I’m sure I sounded like a crazy person. And, I am that now, right? Crazy? Completely lost my mind. I sure feel that way at times. Furthermore, now I’m worried I didn’t sign the car tax checks I made out on the same day as the probate lawyers. Hopefully they’ll be understanding and not tack on a late fee if that is the case.

Along with those “silly” things on my mind there are the more serious, pressing anxieties. Why doesn’t my wife visit me in my dreams?

Is this really real? Why did this happen?

Reeling about the secondary losses. Specifically our unborn children (I found the painting we bought probably a year ago now that we were going to hang in our nursery this past Sunday). That was a hit. I‘m thinking about the people I’ve had to distance myself from during grief. I‘m wondering if there are people I will be able to let in again or forgive. Or if they will forgive me. Let’s be real, I’m thinking about my weight too. Something I haven’t gotten into on here but, will soon share. I‘m thinking about feeling joy, true joy one day. I‘m thinking about “my next move”. I‘m thinking about my wife. I’m hoping she can see me. I’m hoping she is around even though I can’t feel her. I’m hoping she somehow is still able to love me, be my strength and support me.

Tonight at the Understanding Your Grief workshop we broke off in pairs to talk about the uniqueness of the person we lost, who they were to you. Who was Court? Court was my wife. My best friend. My person. My strength. My rock. My anchor. My home. My safety. My cheerleader. My love. When we first started dating, I was still a live in nanny. When we were apart for the week, I would say I felt like a naked turtle. She was my shell, my home. I was lost without her. (See the attached picture... another set of mugs to be sad about)

Court was and is my everything. She taught me so much. She loved me when I didn’t think I was lovable. She was patient with me. She would tell me all the time that I “amazed her.” Be it throwing together a meal with pantry ingredients, planning a party, de-stressing and painting a bureau with all the leftover house paint or breathing. I was amazing to her. It felt good to be amazing. It felt good to be appreciated and loved. I don’t have that with her anymore. I need to find that ”amazing” within myself which is hard most days. Finding my “singular” self is my goal. Who am I? What do I love? What makes me unique? I’m not really sure. I’m working on it...