This Thanksgiving morning, I was on a plane home from Nashville. I wrote my blog post on Facebook since I didn't have access to the blog from the air... here's what I wrote...
It’s Thanksgiving. The first official holiday without Court. I remember the first thanksgiving without my dad. Court came over to my aunts house for thanksgiving dessert and we then stayed the night at my moms. It was our first holiday together. I was busy that night making pumpkin pie martinis. When court came in I asked her if she wanted a drink. She replied, what are you making? I said, don’t worry about it. It’s delicious. She laughed and gladly took the martini then switched to her signature Makers Mark.
That night we went home, laid in bed and I cried for hours. I missed my dad. This sucks I remember saying. This hurts. But, she was there. She held me tight and wiped away my tears. She was my home, my comfort. The person I need to help me get through grief.
This year I’m on a flight home from Nashville after a much needed few days away. It was hard. Court is everywhere. Every dance face I made I thought of her Facebook post about my dance faces at our wedding, every bottle of Bourbon or Whiskey I saw at the bar I’d want to say hey babe look! They have a bourbon you’ve never had! Every Henley T-shirt I would see in a souvenir shop was one I’d show her and ask if she wanted it. She is everywhere. Her smile, her laugh, her spirit. We talked about doing a bourbon/whiskey tour of Tennessee. Normally I’d appease her by ordering a few drinks with the spirit. Not this time. I couldn’t do it.
I’m not sure how I’m going to feel later this evening. I know my meltdown last night should be enough pain for the week but, I know it’s not over.
I’ll go to thanksgiving dinner at my sister in laws brothers house. They lost their mom 2 days before court so, I guess it’s comforting to be sharing all “the firsts” with my close family and support system.
You’re supposed to be thankful on thanksgiving, right?
I’m not really thankful, not for the things I am usually thankful for.
I’m not thankful to be a member of the suicide loss community, I’m not thankful for having to clean out my house and sell some of my wife’s possessions that I will never use. I’m not thankful to be a widow. I’m not thankful for my memories of June 10th.
I’m grateful... grateful for my brother and my sister-in-law for opening their home to me, my aunts for supporting me and texting me constantly to see how things are, my niece who is an amazing distraction and makes me so happy. My baby pupper who cuddles me like he used to cuddle his other mom, my friends who have checked in on me and sent well wishes. And, I am grateful for my wife. For the memories I cherish, for the strength she gave me. For the lessons I’ve learned and the understanding I have gained. I’m grateful for her every day.
Today is just another day, another first. I will try to cherish the memory of our first thanksgiving though. The laughs, the tears. How she made fun of me forever because we came home and I told my mom her turkey sucked then slapped Boulder (KJ and Bre’s dog) so hard on the ass Court would say “Boulder literally looked at us and said put that bitch to bed.” She made fun of me that night for wanting a blow torch to cook the crème brûlée’s, the whole time my aunts freaking out that I was going to light their kitchen on fire.
Those are the firsts I’m grateful for. That I’m blessed to have had. Tonight I can only hope that she will surround me with her love and comfort me like she did four Thanksgivings ago.
Be safe. Be grateful everyday and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Today and everyday.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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