Last night was the first time in a while that my mind was spinning. Like, REALLY spinning. I opened up my computer and started to write and what I wrote was not even remotely what was on my mind. What was on my mind was much deeper, darker and was playing games with me. I wasn't looking up quotes about grief and getting through, I actually haven't done that in a while because it rarely helps. Quotes can be great and uplifting but, quotes about grief, pain, suffering suicide... those are never truly uplifting.
Yesterday was a weird day. I took two trips back and forth to my house, packing a few things and loading boxes and furniture into my car to bring back to my brothers. On my way there the first time, I was "OK". I always get anxious on that 45 minute drive. It's a road Court and I took often. On my way to Middletown, I pass the general store we rented the UHaul at for our engagement pictures and the Comstock Bridge where Court and I took them. I always glance over at the bridge and parking lot. Those pictures of our engagement day flash in my mind. The laughs, the smoke bombs we set off and my squeals of panic as they popped in our hands. Court HATED that black shirt I wore, it was too big and kept falling down. I was a mess and she was getting so frustrated. She wore her burgundy jacket. She also wore that jacket June 10th. Flashbacks rush in emotions, memories and moments that may not have anything to do with THAT specific memory. My mind races as I pass that bridge, as I drive over the Portland Bridge, as I pass the Grog Shop, as I turn up our road and finally up our driveway.
I have gotten better with pulling up the driveway. It's crazy how you remember every moment leading up to THAT moment even though you don't knowingly take it in. I remember where the garbage cans were. I know the blue one was on the right and the green was on the left. I remember exactly where and how her car was parked, that the light was not on outside yet, that I had bags in the car to bring in but decided to go let Jax out and go with me to get the trash cans since the rain had let up a bit. I remember the noise of the door opening, the creek of the stairs, the sound of Jax's paws on the floor then descending down the stairs. I remember seeing my living room and kitchen. The laundry still out. Coats, papers and miscellaneous items on the kitchen table. I remember every detail without telling myself to remember it. It's crazy how the brain works.
That's potentially why last night was so difficult. I made the decision to start watching "The Murder of Versace" with Bre. I've seen it before. Twice, actually. I never had a problem with it. Because I never had the PTSD and memories I have now. I didn't think. I didn't remember the scenes. I forget what happened in the first 10 minutes of the hour episode. I couldn't watch anymore. I got up, and went to my room not saying a word.
I remember so much from that night except what I saw. I know what I think I saw was a veil, my brain allowing me to only see what I could potentially process at the time. I was able to see enough to know something was wrong. That scene I watched last night depicted what I thought I should have seen but didn't. I didn't see it. Your mind plays crazy tricks on you. It alters fact. It hides truth and replaces it with whatever it wants. It's a sick game. Every time I closed my eyes last night my brain played games.
I've been saying I have been numb again lately, that I need to force myself to feel and I have ways that I can bring on the pain and sadness. I didn't knowingly force that onto myself. It really does show that the grief and pain can come up at any point. Even something that you've seen or did before can bring new meaning after a death.
❤️❤️