*Trigger warning, Talk about Suicidal Ideation*
I needed this one today. Lately I feel like I have really been “throwing” myself into my grief. It’s a hole that’s not much fun to go down but, for whatever reason I feel the need to do so. I do it because I feel crazy. I feel like I’m not doing anything right. When I feel ‘ok’ I feel wrong, when I am in pain, it feels wrong. When my brain goes to a dark place, I feel wrong. No matter what I just feel wrong, I feel crazy. Suicidal thoughts and ideation are common during grief. I’ve mentioned it before but suicide rates among those who are affected by the loss of a loved one by suicide are high. Suicide happened to them. They know the pain, the fear, the anger and the confusion that comes with such a death. They’re living it now. But, when you’re grieving and the pain is so severe and intense, you feel hopeless, like you’ve lost everything, you feel like nothing will ever be ok or right. That mask of darkness can take over your brain. I know this. I know this because I’ve been there. I know this because it’s real.
Saving yourself is the only thing you can do in these situations and when you feel like you’re completely crazy and you’re mad at yourself for your thoughts, it’s hard to bring yourself through that darkness. I’m going to give you an example of how my brain is currently working. So, sorry for the uncomfortable feeling you might feel in a minute but, I’m going to say it and I’m going to say it for the other people who ARE going through what I’m feeling and aren’t voicing it outwardly because it is UNCOMFORTABLE and it makes you feel like crap…
Last Friday, I was sitting in my therapist’s office. My suicidal thoughts and ideation have been high lately. I’ve had them before but, not this bad. It’s because reality is setting in? I’m selling my house, I’m donating courts clothes and packing away our belongings. Shit. Is. Hard. So, sitting in the office talking to my therapist about my plans for the weekend and how I’m going to “stay safe” (a question that comes up in every session lately is, “where are you at today?” meaning, where is your SI/SH thoughts.) She asks about an “idea” I’ve shared with her in the past and I answer honestly, or what I think is honestly. “No, that’s not even on my radar anymore. It’s not an option.” Then continue to say, “there’s nothing in my house anyway.” After that statement my mind immediately went to the butcher block of knives in our kitchen. I’m sure I turned a little white, my eyes went wide or I turned red. I didn’t mention that thought to my therapist but, I sat with that. I sat with that fucked up thought driving home, driving to my house the next day and of course as soon as I walked into my kitchen Saturday, I looked at the butcher block. Why does my brain go there? Why do I have these fucked up thoughts? And that’s all they are right? Thoughts? I am a suicide loss survivor. I know what this pain feels like. I know the questions that eat me alive. The why’s, the fears, the anger. I know the anxiety attacks that make me google my symptoms late at night to make sure it’s not a heart attack. I know the stabbing pain that goes through my heart when I’m having a “grief burst”. I know this pain but, I still have the thoughts that would pass this pain onto my loved ones. Just as Courts pain has been passed on to me and anyone who loved her. I also know in those deep dark moments that all I am thinking about is how easy it would be to just not do this anymore. How easy it would be to just go. How easy it would be to not carry around this pain, heartache, fear and anger. How much better it would feel to not feel like a burden. In those moments I don’t think about what I would be leaving behind. The things I would miss and who it would affect. I understand to a point, where Court was. I understand that she wasn’t thinking. That she didn’t know. That her pain was so severe that darkness took over her. It wasn’t her. I get it and that sucks too. That understanding makes me feel crazy.
I know that I need to be able to truly find MY reason for being here. It can’t be my niece, my dog or my family. Not even that amazing trip to Napa for my 30th can save me. My reason must be for me. That, I’m struggling with.
I feel like I’ll never get my life back and I won’t. The life I knew before and with Court will never be here. I need to learn what life is now. Post Court. Post love of my life. Post allowing myself to be vulnerable. And, how much does that suck? She’s the first person I allowed myself to truly be myself and vulnerable with. She chose me to be in her life and I chose her. She chose me to be the one to ask to marry her. She chose me to be her wife. She chose to not speak up about her depression and she chose to end her life. I chose all those things except the latter two. I chose love. I chose forever. I chose her. I still choose her. I did not choose this but, now I am here picking up the pieces. Experiencing the pain and anxiety I never allowed myself to feel before. (Insert super long story about my childhood here). I was never allowed to be weak. I was never allowed to cry. I wasn’t allowed to ask for help and now all those things, I need to do for myself. I need to crumble. I need to cry. I need help. Going against all that I know and changing how I coupe with this is against everything I’ve ever known. But, that’s the before Court Chelsea. The during court Chelsea was loved, she loved, she was unstoppable because she had someone who believed in her. She had someone who made her stronger and better. She had someone who showed her patience and acceptance. Who provided her with safety and security. Now, we have post Court Chelsea and all post Court Chelsea knows is that she can’t live or coupe the same way she did Pre Court. She needs to hold onto the love that came with Court and grow that love to include herself. She needs to grow to be able to survive. All of this is probably confusing but, I’m going to run with it because it is starting to make sense in my head.
I can’t turn to the things I know of my past. I can’t turn to my wife for help and guidance. I can only turn to myself and lean on people who I truly know care about me for support. I need to forget everything I was taught as a child and learn to love myself, believe in myself and be better for myself. I need to find that purpose and in doing so I will be able to truly choose life.
So, say it with me. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and the willingness to take action, just for today. I hope, you keep coming back cause it works if you work it and you’re worth it!
(Shout out to the Spring house edition of the serenity prayer.)
“When it seems like you’re going crazy, be sure to look for the trail markers that reminds you you’re grieving”- Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D
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