It's been a long 2 weeks.
I've been spending more time at our house... my house now? cleaning and trying to make the space more "emotionally manageable." So far, it's been OK. My goal for after the new year (yes, 2020 yet another reminder of time passing) is to be able to stay in my house a few times, have people come and stay with me and see if I feel like I can do it by myself. That's going to be hard. I know that. But, you don't know what will be OK or not until you try it. There is always room for trial and error while grieving.
I've cleaned the garage, the living room, emptied out the bar cart, de-cluttered the kitchen and put both mine and Court's clothes back in their designated drawers. That's all I can do alone. The bathroom still has our toothbrushes, her makeup, her glasses, her Claddagh ring I gave to her our first New Years together is on the ring holder, her shampoo, conditioner, loofa, body wash and razor are still in the shower. The items that were once in her office are now in the spare room, mixed in with my crafting supplies and the toys I bought for when her nephews came over. Then there's our bedroom... she is still there. Her contacts that have no use to anyone but herself, her makeup, her glasses, her toothbrush, I can't move them. I bought a new blow dryer because I couldn't use the one we shared. That has no use anymore yet, it is still sitting in the holder in the bathroom. I find myself saying, when was the last time she showered? Was it Sunday night or Monday morning? That blow dryer, that toothbrush, that door handle are all among the last things she touched. It haunts me. Her feet were a size smaller than mine so her shoes are all in a box now. She left her shoes everywhere (so did I) but, I couldn't keep seeing them. I also couldn't close that box... Anyone a size 9? I would love them to go to a good home...
The worst part now is that I can't do it alone anymore. I need help. I need to be OK with asking for help and that is hard. That is probably the hardest thing for anyone to do. It takes strength and the understanding that you're not weak, you're actually strong for saying, "I can't do this alone." But, to me it still shows vulnerability, weakness, defeat. The hardest thing after someone passes away is all the people who say "let me know if you need anything." or "What can I help you with?" I mean honestly... I don't know. I have no idea what I need. One day i'll need this and the next i'll need that. So, show up? I guess that sounds harsh but, just show up. Mow the lawn, ask to come help move the patio furniture in for the winter, offer to check on the house or pick up the mail... Not that I haven't had any help. My aunts and my brother and sister-in-law have been amazing, cleaning out my fridge, pantry and folding clothes and organizing things a bit. And, I know it is somewhat on me but, I'll repeat, it's hard to ask for help when you really don't know what you need. I don't want to send out a mass text saying "OK guys, next Sunday is a big clean out day! I'd love if you could be there to help me." Then have 5 people show up to my house that Sunday and I can't bring myself to go upstairs. I guess i'm just preaching that it's not super fair for judging someone for NOT asking for help... People aren't mind readers and I can't judge for that either. Grace. I need grace.
Now that THAT PSA is over, lets talk Christmas. Sitting in therapy yesterday, my therapist says "I'm off next week but, were going to need to check in. I actually think we need to do 2 in person sessions. I'll find childcare and we will make it work." Number 1, how amazing is my therapist and number 2, fuck Christmas. I opened my phone to look at the dates and put the appointments in my calendar, saw December 23, 24, 25 and started crying. "Yep, I'm going to need a session the 23rd and either the 26th or 27th." I said. (I am proud of me for that, I know I'll need it and I said it #askingforhelp)
But, back to Christmas. My favorite holiday, the most wonderful time of year... I still don't know what i'm going to do on Christmas. I have my invitations to go here and there but I don't know what I'll need that day. Every Christmas Eve, Court and I would read our 3 favorite Christmas stories, The Carpenters Gift (my fave), The Year of the Perfect Christmas Tree (Courts Favorite) and Twas the Night Before Christmas. This year, we won't do that. I hope I can read at least one of them but, we will see. Christmas morning I won't be jumping up and down with excitement to give my wife the SUPER AMAZING gift I'M excited about gifting. I wont go to my stocking to find 3 tubes of BB Cream and say "Shit babe, this will last all year!" I won't be sitting anxiously the days before Christmas and say "BABE!! PLEASE can we just open ONE GIFT?" Have her respond "Oh my god fine, you can open ONE but only if you can guess whats inside." Me pointing to a box, "That's a ROOMBA!" Court, "What the hell? How did you know that?" "It's a gift..." True story... that happened while we were living at the apartment. I won't have anymore of those moments but, I do have those memories. I'm holding onto those. There's a lot surrounding Christmas. A lot of pain, a lot of secondary losses, a lot of love, a lot of longing and grief.
I guess that's it. There's a lot more swirling through my head but i'll keep my rambling to a minimum.
I hope that everyone (whoever reads this) has a peaceful and joyful Christmas. I'd ask you to pause and look around, not at the gifts, not at the roomba or the BB Cream but, look at the people around you. Take in that moment, that love, that memory. Hold that, cherish that. That is the spirit of Christmas.
-C
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